OT: How do you ask someone about THEIR mental health without offending them?
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I am no expert, please consider if you will. If you notice a recent change in behavior, just asking if he/she is ok is a big step. That and offering to listen intently to them and offer to be there for them if they ever need you.
I'm a career changer turnef high school teacher and over the past 16 years I've found that the questions "How are you doing?", "Are you alright?", and "Hey, you don't quite seem yourself lately, is there something going on?" yield an incredible amount of honest responses.
"How can I help?" is the follow up question to all of the above and you take it from there. The past few years have been wild as we all have tended to struggle more openly about mental health. I honestly never quite know anymore what a kid or colleague will say.
Good luck.
"How can I help?" is the follow up question to all of the above and you take it from there. The past few years have been wild as we all have tended to struggle more openly about mental health. I honestly never quite know anymore what a kid or colleague will say.
Good luck.
I agree. Just ask if they are okay. Maybe say you notice they've been a little tense or having a tough time lately and make yourself available if they want to talk. However, be careful because if you push too hard or even imply they have a problem it could backfire sometimes in a big way.
Good replies. Problem is I am not sure I am dealing with a normal person.
This is a friend/neighbor at the jersey shore and I went out with her briefly but we moved on. She has these blow ups over nothing. Once I put an extra dollar in a parking meter and she was screaming. Little things can set her off and she will never talk to you again. She is popular, functional, runs a business and is normal 99% of the time but then she will blow ups over nothing. I moved on but still consider her a friend.
I think most women are nuts and I normally would not get involved but this is a little different. Her family has a history of suicide. Her sister committed suicide and her immediate family is now gone.
I read a story yesterday on mental health and bi polar. She matched most of the red flags. The family history of suicide is the one that worried me. That is why I posted.
My ex-wife was bipolar. She passed away at 47. Unfortunately, if people don’t want help, take their medicine properly, mix it with alcohol, there’s not much you can do for people. Sounds like you are close enough to her to call and check in and have a discussion where you bring up the topic.
My mother in law is someone who fits that bill too. My bride never speaks to her alone anymore...I'm always present.
When you add the dating aspect into anything it muddies the waters. Are there others in your circle who can act as a wingman? Multiple people with the same concerns may diffuse any personal barrage.
Despite ones best intentions, such concerns are not always well received nor listened to. Unfortunately I've seen that time does take its' tolls and often people succumb to the dark.
Tread lightly, maybe with a group. Otherwise just do the best you can. Don't be surprised if you are rebuffed...but try just the same. it is all you can do.
Hang in there.
When you add the dating aspect into anything it muddies the waters. Are there others in your circle who can act as a wingman? Multiple people with the same concerns may diffuse any personal barrage.
Despite ones best intentions, such concerns are not always well received nor listened to. Unfortunately I've seen that time does take its' tolls and often people succumb to the dark.
Tread lightly, maybe with a group. Otherwise just do the best you can. Don't be surprised if you are rebuffed...but try just the same. it is all you can do.
Hang in there.
Not saying something isn't off with her but blow ups doesn't necessarily equal bi-polar. It involves highs and lows. Not just a quick trigger. Outside of the blow ups do you see her hitting lows?
If there is a question about their safety, or that of others, I'd jump right in.
Woo, there are some red flags there. Family history of suicide, quick explosive temper. It's good for you to reach out and offer help but her problems probably require skills you don't have. Encourage therapy if you can. If she is bipolar that is good in a way because medication can be a big help. But again, be careful. Offer assistance but take care of yourself first. I don't know your friend so I won't judge but some people aren't normal at all and can be a big headache or flat out dangerous if they focus on you. You've seen the movie Fatal Attraction? You don't want to be the person with a rabbit in a boiling pot of water.
As an aside on a tough topic...I had a salesman who called on me from Newsweek who was on that jury in Mt. Kisco. Dude was out of work for a long time and when he got back most of his accounts had been farmed out to others. Technically he still had his "job" as required by law but with the commission hit he moved on...
You bring up someone else's mental health? Are you nuts?
Uh, you lost me with most women are nuts. Good luck all the same.
Yea with suicide there’s no dancing around it - either ask or don’t. Not trying to sound harsh but if you dance around the issue and try to nudge or imply the message will get lost. Like others have said maybe start with an “Are you okay, how have things been, I’ve noticed xyz lately, etc.” but at some point you’re gonna have to just come out and ask “Are you having any thoughts of suicide or harming yourself”. If yes then try to convince her to go to the local ER for an evaluation. In PA each county has a crisis / mental health hotline you can call, but I don’t know if there is something similar in NJ. Failing that you can also call the national suicide hotline. Ultimately though if someone truly doesn’t want help they’ll likely know how to answer the questions and be deemed to be not at risk.
Oh - one more thing - don’t bring up a mental condition/diagnosis based on a show you watched or something you read when you talk with her. You’re not trained nor an expert. If she offers that she does have a diagnosis you could inquire if she takes meds and if so has she been taking them and support from there.
A very hazardous situation. Never know how it will turn out.
Have had friends commit suicide and it leaves scars. How recently was the suicide? More than one? I would try a soft touch by bringing up someone in the news that committed or attempted suicide and say you thought about her situation. Ask her how she is handling it. That way it isn’t such a personal thing but more a third party story.
Suicide leaves anger, hurt, guilt, shame, and more. See if she mentions any of them and follow up if she seemed at all willing. If she brushes it/you off....just say great but if you ever need to talk about it........and let it go.
If you go there better be willing to commit to the process.
Good luck.
Have had friends commit suicide and it leaves scars. How recently was the suicide? More than one? I would try a soft touch by bringing up someone in the news that committed or attempted suicide and say you thought about her situation. Ask her how she is handling it. That way it isn’t such a personal thing but more a third party story.
Suicide leaves anger, hurt, guilt, shame, and more. See if she mentions any of them and follow up if she seemed at all willing. If she brushes it/you off....just say great but if you ever need to talk about it........and let it go.
If you go there better be willing to commit to the process.
Good luck.
in suicide prevention parlance you are describing the QPR approach; question, persuade, refer. Asking and asking direct and reaching out are never wrong things to do
A little off topic but I wanted to get the boards input…Are employees required to disclose mental health or mental behavioral issues to employers during the job hiring process, or once diagnosed as a full time employee? The reason I ask this question is that an employee at a company is having some significant performance issues and the employee’s issue is mental health/mental behavioral in nature. This employee never disclosed mental health issues to the company during the job hiring process. I believe that if an employee has mental health or mental behavioral issues that may impact the employees ability to do their job, then they need to disclose that to the employer. What are your thoughts?
Generally, no the employee does not need to disclose mental health issues to an employer, unless the employee needs a workplace accommodation. If an accommodation is requested the employer can ask the person for medical documentation to verify that request is indeed needed. The employer cannot disclose that mental health condition to other employees of the organization.
Mental Health Conditions in the Workplace and the ADA | ADA National Network
(Printer-friendly PDF version | 307 KB) (Large Print PDF version | 304 KB) (Spanish version) Psychiatric disabilities have a unique dynamic in the workplace because they are both very common and very misunderstood. The purpose of this brief is to inform employers, job applicants and employees...
Open ended questions like that have been mentioned, and then LISTEN. Consider reading the book "I am not sick! I don't need help!" by Xavier Amador for techniques to get a person who truly doesn't know that they are sick to evaluation, diagnosis, treatment.
I am not doing anything other than pointing her to her own doctor.
Not to make lite of it and at the risk of sounding like a male chauvinist, she sounds like a typical woman. I would submit that woman would say the same about men, (e.g) men don't act "normal" something less than 100% of the time.
Some topics are best not raised especially of a personal nature when it comes to maintaining a friendship. This topic I think could be one of them.
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I have a sister going through the same thing right now. Not quite sure how to deal with it either. They will block you from texting or calling, so when you stop texting or calling, they will say "oh real nice, you haven't called, I guess you don't care" It is certainly manipulative and pisses me off.
She is someone who always relied on my parents for everything in her social life. She lost all of her friends and uses them for support and manipulates them as well. We rarely were able to see them without her being there, which was annoying when you just want to hang with them. They moved away to retire and she has begun to lose it and pick fights with them over every little thing.
She recently was having a breakdown and when my parents, who did nothing, went on vacation, she would text them that she hates them and what bad parents they were. For instance, she said she hated my dad because he didn't go to her softball games in high school but went to my football games. After my dad left the mines, and we moved to NJ, we were poor. He was waking up at 5am to drive to work and getting home at 7. Her softball games were at 3 or 4pm and my football games were on Friday nights. How can you not understand the reasoning? They were not, she is only two years older, we grew up in the same household, she CHOSE to be a "bad kid" by making friends with all of the wrong people. But despite that, was able to grow up and go to college and hold down a good job. It is just being manipulative because she is mad they moved away. Every time her and her family got into trouble, my parents have bailed her out. In 2008, they lost their house because her husband lost his job. So my parents have them move in with them. They then move from that condo and sell it to my sister at a discount so her family could have a place to stay. Then my sister decides she doesn't want a condo, but a house and wants to save for that, so they sold the condo, made a profit and move in with my parents again so they could save. My parents retire and move and sell her THAT house at a discount.
Now I am on the shit list because after all of that, after being "blocked" for no reason, she called to facetime with my daughter out of nowhere, and I didn't pick up. I'm like, you can't act this way and just all of a sudden call and pretend everything is ok.
We just don't know how to deal with her or how to get her to get help. My dad wants to just pretend its all mental problems and that there is no intentional manipulation. I think it is all childish manipulation and that he needs to stop fueling the fire by giving in to her childishness. (she is 44!) She says she is getting help, but, I honestly don't believe she is. It's just really hard to figure out what to do. I am resentful of her for basically stealing so much of my parents time when they were younger and angered now by how she is trying to destroy their retirement.
She is someone who always relied on my parents for everything in her social life. She lost all of her friends and uses them for support and manipulates them as well. We rarely were able to see them without her being there, which was annoying when you just want to hang with them. They moved away to retire and she has begun to lose it and pick fights with them over every little thing.
She recently was having a breakdown and when my parents, who did nothing, went on vacation, she would text them that she hates them and what bad parents they were. For instance, she said she hated my dad because he didn't go to her softball games in high school but went to my football games. After my dad left the mines, and we moved to NJ, we were poor. He was waking up at 5am to drive to work and getting home at 7. Her softball games were at 3 or 4pm and my football games were on Friday nights. How can you not understand the reasoning? They were not, she is only two years older, we grew up in the same household, she CHOSE to be a "bad kid" by making friends with all of the wrong people. But despite that, was able to grow up and go to college and hold down a good job. It is just being manipulative because she is mad they moved away. Every time her and her family got into trouble, my parents have bailed her out. In 2008, they lost their house because her husband lost his job. So my parents have them move in with them. They then move from that condo and sell it to my sister at a discount so her family could have a place to stay. Then my sister decides she doesn't want a condo, but a house and wants to save for that, so they sold the condo, made a profit and move in with my parents again so they could save. My parents retire and move and sell her THAT house at a discount.
Now I am on the shit list because after all of that, after being "blocked" for no reason, she called to facetime with my daughter out of nowhere, and I didn't pick up. I'm like, you can't act this way and just all of a sudden call and pretend everything is ok.
We just don't know how to deal with her or how to get her to get help. My dad wants to just pretend its all mental problems and that there is no intentional manipulation. I think it is all childish manipulation and that he needs to stop fueling the fire by giving in to her childishness. (she is 44!) She says she is getting help, but, I honestly don't believe she is. It's just really hard to figure out what to do. I am resentful of her for basically stealing so much of my parents time when they were younger and angered now by how she is trying to destroy their retirement.
Wow, long rant. Guess you needed to vent. I would suggest go to a family counselor yourself. After a couple sessions have your parents join in if the counselor is good. Then ask the counselor to either have a group session with her or meet with her one on one.
I did need to vent, where better than an anonymous message board! Personally, I am fine, in that, I am just tired of drama all the time. Easter was two days ago, thus, the need to vent!
Feel for you Greggk. If you have a family larger than 4 we all have that sibling who takes advantage.
Unfortunately that one gets what they want from the parents and if you fight it you become the outsider.
LdN
Sounds like your sister is a narcissist and your parents are going along with it as they have her entire life.
First of all none of this is your fault or responsibility to fix. The idiom "I am not my brother's keeper" comes to mind. It really struck a chord with me when I heard it as I was dealing with issues with my old man. Hoping it gives you some perspective in your scenario. While you may be angered and frustrated for your folks you are not responsible for them or their choices. If they continue to indulge your sister that is their call. It may go 100% against your values and judgement, and this obviously upsets you emotionally by the post, but you need to understand that unless you're going to go the route of having them declared incompetent and take full control of their finances there's not much you can do to alter the situation from their end.
What you can do is read up on dealing with narcissistic siblings, there's a ton of stuff online that can be found with a quick search. Long story short, you're not going to be able to get your sister help and can only handle the situation from your side. So a few bits of advice: don't take things personally, set boundaries, advocate for yourself and create healthy space for you and your family/kids. And like Spin said - maybe try going for some counseling which may help with the frustration and resentment you're feeling from years back.
Yes, ^^^all this^^^ and remember you can only control your own behavior. Other people are responsible for themselves. There is a lot of information on line to help you deal with narcissistic behavior. I especially like Dr. Les Carter and Dr. Ramani Durvasula. Both have You Tube channels and I listen to Dr. Ramani every day.
Personally (I will make clear I have no psychological training), if she gets triggered and flys off the handle so easily, the last thing I would do would ask her whether she has mental health problems. My guess is that she would take it as an insult. If it was me, I would in as much as an under the radar way that I could, contact her family and tell them what is going on. If they can't or won't help, there is virtually nothing you can do in my view.
There is a need for everyone to be able to take ownership for their actions unless it is proven beyond all doubt that said person lacks the capacity to do so. If the latter is the case, then the appropriate authorities have to become involved. Others have made the suggestion that active listening is crucial and I agree. If there is even a hint of ideation concerning self harm or the possibility of harming others including your parents including neglect and exploitation directed toward them, there ought to be legislation protecting seniors 60 and over that might be brought into the equation to protect your parents and then investigate your sister.
Given the situation you describe , seems you would have to be careful not to send an ambiguous signal that she might interpret as you trying to get back together with her.
That said, you ask about her mental health without using those words. "Are you okay?" or "How ya doing?" are good ways to kick it off. Acknowledging that you know she has been going through some tough times can help f it fits the situation. Find a public place, not too crowded, where you might meet with her if she wants. You need witnesses, though not ones who can overhear the discussion. Helping other people is a good thing, very laudatory. Trying to stop someone who is having a heart attack without a doctor in the room is never going to help, so if you talk with her and she needs help from professionals, recommend that she get it or calls a helpline or prevention hotline.
