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OT: Divorce advice (in PA)

Sorry you and your children have to go through this.

I was married for 13 years, have now been divorced for 19 years. No children.

She came to me one morning and said she wanted a divorce, blindsided me. With the benefit of hindsight, I should have expedited the process. But instead, I went to counseling.....it turned out to be a total sham, just an excuse for her to help her justify in her own mind her leaving. But by allowing the process to be dragged out, I inadvertently allowed her to latch onto chunks of a couple of really nice bonus checks that otherwise would have been mine. DON'T be a nice guy.....she obviously wants out, get it over with as soon as possible.

Remember that she has no right to anything that you brought into the marriage, keep that out of any of the discussions or negotiations.

Recognize the difference between pre-tax and post-tax dollars in all discussions and negotiations.

Finally, if there is a pet involved, don't give it up. My -ex did get legal custody (I got legal visitation). Important as his vet bills over the next few years were pretty substantial. I took him to the vet because of work schedules, geography, etc. but she didn't want to pay the bills. Her lawyer agreed with me, it was her dog, she pays the bills.

I am so sorry you have to go through this, thoughts and prayers to you and your children.
 
hereforthebeer said:
Not divorced, but am familiar with this game. It's time to make moves. Very soon, all control over this situation will be taken from you.

Proper advice: Get a jump on the process with an aggressive attorney. Memorialize any/all evidence of impropriety while you have access (bank statements, credit card statements, emails, phone records, texts on her phone, etc.) Do not let on that you are working on your endgame. You want the element of surprise. Find a new place, if you're the one relocating. Don't get caught trying to argue over custody while living in a one bedroom apartment. Consider who you can use as character witnesses. Amass a gigantic file of financial information going back as far as you can.

Redneck advice: Liquidate for cash and stash what you can. Relocate/liquidate stuff of value she may not know about (guns, tools, comic books, etc.). Set that aside. It's "gone." Keep it all off the books.

This person has decided that they no longer want to be your partner. Until it's settled, she is the enemy. You'll never let your kids starve, but the fight over control of the assets you've worked to acquire is one you will regret losing. She will not give you a fair shake after she talks to friends, family, and an attorney. Don't rely on a judge. Take a little time off of work and get a jump on this thing.
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Just got to say, regarding the advice to stockpile evidence of impropriety.
Why?
Won't help in the vast majority of divorces. From what the OP is describing, details won't help in at all in his case.
Maybe it will make someone feel better knowing all the details of what and when and how their spouse cheated, but it can also make you feel worse. Much worse in some cases.
My advice is let it go and move on.
 
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1. I've done it twice. Never again. I think instead of a divorce attorney I'd seek a criminal one who specializes in homicide. :mad:

2. Divorces come down to two things, Money and Kids. Yours are pretty young so you'll be shelling out support payments until they graduate high school, possibly even longer if you don't get custody.

3. Don't get a good attorney, get a GREAT attorney. If it's a female, that's even better. Ask around town who's the biggest barracuda in the county, then retain her.

4. Don't move out of the home, let her move out. That way your wife can't say you abandoned her and the kids.

5. Resign yourself to the fact that this is gonna cost you monetarily damn near everything you've been working for since you tied the knot with the bitch. Oh, and if she says it hasn't been physical with her boyfriend she's lying her cheating ass off. I'd bet he's visited your town for horizontal entertainment plenty before and since Thanksgiving. She's probably been plowed more than the north forty on Farmer Brown's farm.

6. Don't be "Mr. Nice Guy." She's the one who caused this shit-storm so remember that and make her pay in some form or the other. Refer to point # 2

7. Prenuptial Agreement...two words to remember in case you're ever stupid enough to make the same mistake twice, like me.

8. Good luck my friend, you're gonna need it.
 
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As someone still fighting with a high conflict X going on 9 years, here's my scorecard:

1. 4 sexual abuse allegations filed by her against me. All found to be false, all coinciding with custody court dates

2. 5 protection of abuse orders filed against me, all dismissed after lengthy hearings, and two where she was assessed attorney fees

3. 1 assault arrest which was dismissed at the preliminary hearing

4. X has moved out of state 2x's, throwing custody orders out the window

5. X found in contempt twice for violating my parental rights

You can't afford not to have an attorney. STAY IN THE HOUSE and don't accept anything less than 50/50 shared residential custody and get an agreement filed with the court ASAP. With her out of state affair partner, EXPECT her to try to move out there with the kids to start her new life. Once she finds out it is not as easy as she thought it would be, expect her to start fighting dirty and things can escalate to nuclear levels. You need to prepare for this.

- get all guns out of the house with a notarized receipt of where they are located. She'll look like a fool when she claims you pulled a gun on her

- have a voice recorder going at all times.

Good luck.
 
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OldTiredLion said:
1. I've done it twice. Never again. I think instead of a divorce attorney I'd seek a criminal one who specializes in homicide. :mad:

2. Divorces come down to two things, Money and Kids. Yours are pretty young so you'll be shelling out support payments until they graduate high school, possibly even longer if you don't get custody.

3. Don't get a good attorney, get a GREAT attorney. If it's a female, that's even better. Ask around town who's the biggest barracuda in the county, then retain her.

4. Don't move out of the home, let her move out. That way your wife can't say you abandoned her and the kids.

5. Resign yourself to the fact that this is gonna cost you monetarily damn near everything you've been working for since you tied the knot with the bitch. Oh, and if she says it hasn't been physical with her boyfriend she's lying her cheating ass off. I'd bet he's visited your town for horizontal entertainment plenty before and since Thanksgiving. She's probably been plowed more than the north forty on Farmer Brown's farm.

6. Don't be "Mr. Nice Guy." She's the one who caused this shit-storm so remember that and make her pay in some form or the other. Refer to point # 2

7. Prenuptial Agreement...two words to remember in case you're ever stupid enough to make the same mistake twice, like me.

8. Good luck my friend, you're gonna need it.
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I think your comment #5. Should be rewritten. Seems a little harsh to the OP.
 
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NittanyLionNation said:
Great - my email is same as my handle NittanyLionNation at gmail.
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I think after talking to Mr. Potter a lot of your anxiety will ease.

The general framework of a divorce in Pennsylvania is governed by a combination of statutory factors to arrive at Equitable Distribution of assets and alimony. The child support obligations are essentially the product of a mathematical calculation with some minor adjustments.

It seems you haven't been married that long so alimony, if any, will be of a short duration. The vast majority of divisions of assets are from 50/50 to 60/40.

I never saw a divorce proceeding conclude outside the park. They may have ranged from left field to right field but were always inside the park.

Good luck to you.
 
I just wanted to say sorry for the situation....

I was divorced in pa but it's probably the nicest easiest divorce ever. Anyway I wish you and your kids the very best in a less than ideal situation,
 
Sorry to hear. And with such young kids, tough situation. Wish you the best, don't trust her, get a lawyer.
 
NLN, I am very sorry to read about this. As you can see from the number of replies, many of us have been there. This would include me. I'm assuming you didn't have a prenup like 98% of us (at least the first time). What county are you in? If it's anywhere in the Philly suburbs, I can offer suggestions or possibly a referral, as family law matters tend to vary a good bit between jurisdictions despite the same laws ostensibly being applied.

Also, how entangled are your finances? If you don't already have a separate bank account, set one up tomorrow.

There's obviously some diversity of opinion on the question of mediation versus lawyering up. In my opinion, not having a lawyer is bringing a knife to a gunfight. Even if you want to pursue mediation, you really need to have someone familiar with the terrain to guide you through. Yes, it will mean paying a retainer, probably $5K-ish. If you don't have the money, or don't want to alarm her by taking the money out of a joint account, borrow it from family or friends. While the upfront expense is high, what you'll save in the long run will be multiples of what you have to spend on an attorney.

I also really think the two of you need to establish who will be filing, and when. I'm inferring that this is targeted for June when she moves out in the unlikely event that all goes according to the current plan. This is crazy talk, even if it means sacrificing the May vacation. While PA doesn't formally recognize 'legal separation' as a marital status, the valuation of marital assets and support-related matters will be determined by the date of separation, which is presumed to be date of filing in situations where both parties are living under the same roof. The sooner this is established, the better you'll be able to plan for your children's future - and yours.
 
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NittanyLionNation said:
Found out around Thanksgiving my wife (we've been married for almost 8 years), was having an emotional affair with a co-worker. She claims it was never physical, and he lives in another state several states away. I have reasons to suspect otherwise, but that is not the main point of this post. My wife informed me two weeks ago that she wants a divorce, since then she has been sleeping in the guest room. We have two small children under the age of 7. It has been a very hard last two months, and I dread telling the kids, that will be very hard.

As far as I know, she has not filed anything or talked to any attorneys. She said she would like to be amicable, and we have agreed at a high level on a few of the big issues: splitting custody 50/50, who is keeping the house, and tentative timeline.

That is the background context, I have started to reach out to a few attorneys to educate myself on the process and be proactive about protecting my rights and my kids' rights, and also so I don't get potentially caught flat footed. But I'm not crazy about shelling out a couple hundred bucks for an initial hour consultation, for them to sell me on them representing me.

So my long-winded post comes down to looking for advice for anyone that has been through the process, I want to keep things amicable but also protect myself. I also have read about mediation vs. negotiating through attorneys (to stay out of court), and wanted to see if anyone had experience pro/con. Thanks in advance.
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1) Is the marriage "salvageable"? Only the two of you know that answer. Be honest to yourself. You may not know her feelings, but you know yours. What do you really want to do. And, have "that" talk with her. If it's the end, then, go to #2.

2) Hire an attorney and stay as unemotional from her as possible, especially in the presence of the kids. No reason to fight like animals around the kids.

3) Hope it does end amicably for you.
 
Sorry to hear. Tough thing to go to but, trust me, you'll be great in a year. Here are my thoughts:
  • First, just let her go. Be as supportive as you can. The financial issue may be in terms of splitting assets and alimony. If you still over her, there's a good chance she'll come back to you. Often, in mid-life with young kids, they just are worn out and want a better life. You get thrown out for her bad decisions. When a taste of the new life isn't so sweet, good chance she comes to her senses and comes back...but not if it gets contentious. Just tell her you support her and want her to be happy, but you want the kids to come first. You'll help any way you can.
  • Spitting assets, unless you or she came into the marriage with a lot of dough, is typically 50/50. I've seen couples do this: one spits the assets 50/50, the other gets to choose which 50 they want. Then you barter and trade until you are done. Alimony is up to how self sufficient she is. Since she is dumping you, and seems to be admitting it, she doesn't have much leverage.
  • The big issue is the kids. Whoever gets custodial rights, wins. And, if she gets custodial rights, she can pretty much move out of state just by stating she has found a better job. Child support is often simply a matter of math dictated by state laws. You can google that in your state (XX state child custody calculator). The woman almost always gets custodial rights (even in a shared custody situation) unless there is something wrong, think breaking the law. DUI's, Drugs, anger or mental problems are your only real hope here.
  • Separate finances asap. Get separate credit cards, document your assets and liabilities, and get her to sign a document stating that she has now separated. I've seen cases where women start buying all kinds of stuff before the divorce because you will have to pay for half (probably).
  • Be very careful...I don't want to make you paranoid but women sometimes go off the deep end and freak out (guys too). She may go back to her new boy who may tell her is was all for giggles and dump her. Suddenly, she's on her own and things can get freaky. I've seen women accuse their soon to be ex's with physical abuse or even child abuse. Check TMZ and read up on Brad Pitt or Robin Thicke. I friend of mine separated and moved into a different house. He had the daughter and was shaving in the bathroom when the phone rang in the BR across the hall. As he was walking through the hall, his robe fell open and his daughter saw it. Two days later, cops are knocking at the door. Sick stuff and rare, but be careful.
You'll be shocked at how you are wanted by women after your divorce. After the age of 35, the worm turns and the gals chase the good guys. Nice guys with stable incomes become very desirable. Often, they'll drive you nuts wanting to get married after the second date. Its fun...but gets old.

Best of luck, bro....it'll get better but there will be some tough days.
 
Obliviax said:
Sorry to hear. Tough thing to go to but, trust me, you'll be great in a year. Here are my thoughts:
  • First, just let her go. Be as supportive as you can. The financial issue may be in terms of splitting assets and alimony. If you still over her, there's a good chance she'll come back to you. Often, in mid-life with young kids, they just are worn out and want a better life. You get thrown out for her bad decisions. When a taste of the new life isn't so sweet, good chance she comes to her senses and comes back...but not if it gets contentious. Just tell her you support her and want her to be happy, but you want the kids to come first. You'll help any way you can.
  • Spitting assets, unless you or she came into the marriage with a lot of dough, is typically 50/50. I've seen couples do this: one spits the assets 50/50, the other gets to choose which 50 they want. Then you barter and trade until you are done. Alimony is up to how self sufficient she is. Since she is dumping you, and seems to be admitting it, she doesn't have much leverage.
  • The big issue is the kids. Whoever gets custodial rights, wins. And, if she gets custodial rights, she can pretty much move out of state just by stating she has found a better job. Child support is often simply a matter of math dictated by state laws. You can google that in your state (XX state child custody calculator). The woman almost always gets custodial rights (even in a shared custody situation) unless there is something wrong, think breaking the law. DUI's, Drugs, anger or mental problems are your only real hope here.
  • Separate finances asap. Get separate credit cards, document your assets and liabilities, and get her to sign a document stating that she has now separated. I've seen cases where women start buying all kinds of stuff before the divorce because you will have to pay for half (probably).
  • Be very careful...I don't want to make you paranoid but women sometimes go off the deep end and freak out (guys too). She may go back to her new boy who may tell her is was all for giggles and dump her. Suddenly, she's on her own and things can get freaky. I've seen women accuse their soon to be ex's with physical abuse or even child abuse. Check TMZ and read up on Brad Pitt or Robin Thicke. I friend of mine separated and moved into a different house. He had the daughter and was shaving in the bathroom when the phone rang in the BR across the hall. As he was walking through the hall, his robe fell open and his daughter saw it. Two days later, cops are knocking at the door. Sick stuff and rare, but be careful.
You'll be shocked at how you are wanted by women after your divorce. After the age of 35, the worm turns and the gals chase the good guys. Nice guys with stable incomes become very desirable. Often, they'll drive you nuts wanting to get married after the second date. Its fun...but gets old.

Best of luck, bro....it'll get better but there will be some tough days.
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Sounds like she has a decent job. He might be getting alimony, not her; or more likely no alimony at all.
If she has a degree and makes half what he does, in MI she would get no alimony. Unless he offers it.
 
ClarkstonMark said:
Sounds like she has a decent job. He might be getting alimony, not her; or more likely no alimony at all.
If she has a degree and makes half what he does, in MI she would get no alimony. Unless he offers it.
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Totally agree. Child support is the bigger issue.
 
The above reply, from LafayetteBear, is good advice. GET A LAWYER!!! Even the attorney you pick can make a difference. Where do you live, town and county?
 
GuStHeCaT said:
NLN, I am very sorry to read about this. As you can see from the number of replies, many of us have been there. This would include me. I'm assuming you didn't have a prenup like 98% of us (at least the first time). What county are you in? If it's anywhere in the Philly suburbs, I can offer suggestions or possibly a referral, as family law matters tend to vary a good bit between jurisdictions despite the same laws ostensibly being applied.
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Yes, philly burbs, Montgomery County.
 
If you are of a particular faith, get some personal counseling from that faith. If you're not religious, some secular counseling may help. This is not necessarily to save the marriage at all but to help keep you sane while you are dealing with this.
 
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Sorry to hear about this.

Now I am done with the niceties.

She doesn't care about you any longer. No matter what she says.

If there is ANY chance she is moving out of state you better retain a lawyer NOW! In the separation agreement get it spelled out that she is NOT to take the kids out of state for any reason without your prior knowledge and written permission. If she leaves with the kids you can pretty much kiss them goodbye.

Document EVERYTHING even the things you think mean nothing. As one other poster mentioned, liquidate anything you don't want, and move anything you do want somewhere she has no knowledge of.

The lawyer is not only for your protection, but also your kids.

God bless and praying for a good outcome... although I doubt it will end well for you.

I tried the mediation route with my ex till she retained a lawyer and started changing what we had agreed to... My only saving grace was I did not cosign for any loans with her, and I never put her on the deed or mortgage for the house. Thankfully we did not have kids. She got the her clothes, her car, and her $60,000 student loan debt. I ended up with a house $50,000 over mortgaged, but I ended up marrying a wonderful woman, have adopted two amazing kids, and have a very promising future. Ex, on the other hand, well I get calls from companies and collection agencies on a regular basis.

Get a lawyer (a damned good one with a track record of representing men) and protect yourself and your kids.
 
First, when choosing an attorney get referrals from court staff if you know any! Yelp is a joke. Your friend is happy with his/her attorney but has really no idea if they did a good job.

DO YOU KNOW WHY A GREAT DIVORCE ATTORNEY COSTS DO MUCH?
Because they are totally worth it.

I am an attorney but do not do divorce. Most of the family law options are legislated to avoid trials. But not everything is.

Don't take a nerf knife to a gun fight.
 
dshumbero said:
If you can avoid an attorney do it. Don't fart money away for nothing. Who makes more, you or her? You can always get an attorney at the eleventh hour. What is in 401Ks etc?

The Judge will allow lying, but only if you don't catch it up front. My niece farted away almost 20 grand on an attorney, and got hosed. The "husband" lied about all his assets, but her "lawyer" caught it too late. His lies about his "ass"ets were found out after the fact.

This door can go 2 ways.
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THIS IS BAD ADVICE!!!! Don't get a lawyer and go cheap = You're screwed!!! Best case is everything goes well between the two of you and it costs $ 3,000. You'll need a lawyer to draw up and file the paperwork anyway. And just to give you a heads up, divorces usually get nasty.
 
AvalonJohn said:
THIS IS BAD ADVICE!!!! Don't get a lawyer and go cheap = You're screwed!!! Best case is everything goes well between the two of you and it costs $ 3,000. You'll need a lawyer to draw up and file the paperwork anyway. And just to give you a heads up, divorces usually get nasty.
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No it's fact. You aren't getting away for 3 grand. They want more than that up front that will soon be pissed away on "reviewing materials", the Law and the like.
 
ClarkstonMark said:
Just got to say, regarding the advice to stockpile evidence of impropriety.
Why?
Won't help in the vast majority of divorces. From what the OP is describing, details won't help in at all in his case.
Maybe it will make someone feel better knowing all the details of what and when and how their spouse cheated, but it can also make you feel worse. Much worse in some cases.
My advice is let it go and move on.
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I couldn't disagree more. The woman in all likelihood cheated on him and now wants a divorce. You want him to "let it go and move on" so his feelings aren't hurt? Too late for that. She's going to want as much of his kids and his money as she can get, unless she is unusually generous, but counting on that is foolish. This is now a war over custody and assets with long-lasting financial and emotional implications. It can turn from a cold war to an overt one at any second.

Information is ammunition and always has value. Maybe it will help in the divorce proceeding, maybe it won't. Maybe it will help in the custody battle, maybe it won't. Maybe it will help in mediation, maybe it won't. Maybe when she spends the next 15 years trying to turn his kids, friends, and family against him, he can have the decision as to whether or not he would like to defend himself with tangibles.

The information can't help him at all if he doesn't have it and he will soon lose his opportunity to get it. He can decide for himself whether or not to use it. This is an absolute no-brainer.

I'd even consider a decently regarded private investigator (some divorce attorneys refer regularly) to do a little surveillance and snooping around, but that's just me. Pictures do not lie.
 
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No help here- my divorce was done online for like $150. Easiest thing ever. :)

She wanted it more than me, so she felt guilty. Gave me the house and dogs and didn't touch my 401K. No kids yet. It was one of those deals where she rose from a teacher to a corporate trainer, so she was making the bucks. I think she felt tied down and wanted to "live". I wanted kids more than her- and 15 years later she still has none, so I guess she was telling the truth.

In my experience, marriage is tough when there are two working professionals. Travel makes it worse. There was always someone sniffing around her at work, and she was LOUSY at setting up boundaries.
 
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No doubt, get a good lawyer. At minimum, you will need one to draft the paperwork, especially the parenting plan. You want to get this right from the start, because very difficult to change later.

50/50 custody is great, but make sure you can agree to a schedule that works best for the kids and both of you. Make sure she has to offer you right to watch kids before hiring nanny/babysitter. 50/50- be very careful with this. All asset types are not equal. Be sure to factor in the after tax impact on investments, retirement, etc.

Don't rush. Take your time (not dragging your feet). But these are decisions that will affect your children and yourself for a long time.

It is a new world for you. It is very difficult. Your priority list consists of two things. You and your children.
 
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dshumbero said:
No it's fact. You aren't getting away for 3 grand. They want more than that up front that will soon be pissed away on "reviewing materials", the Law and the like.
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You have no idea what you're talking about. And just to be clear, the three grand is his portion.
 
As bad as this is, and yes it is bad, just remember you will get through it and there will be better days. If you don't have it develop a support network.
 
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AvalonJohn said:
You have no idea what you're talking about. And just to be clear, the three grand is his portion.
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I know exactly what I'm talking about. If it's nasty from jumpstreet, so be it. Get a lawyer. If it's amicable, don't waste the money until you have to file. The more the assets, the more the animosity, the more lawyers will mine it.
 
Lots of good advice and some bad advice on here. Having gone through a divorce in the recent past (final August, 2015), I have a lot of comments to make. I may forget some of them that I thought of as I was reading through all the replies, so I may end up making multiple posts as they come to mind.

First, as many have said, definitely get a lawyer. You're fortunate to have gotten an offer of free help from the Nittany Lion family. An attorney is for your protection as much as anything and you may not need to pay him much (but regardless of how easily your divorce goes, you WILL use an attorney's services to at least review agreements for you, again, for your own protection). Folks are right that although things may be amicable now, they can turn on a dime if an attorney, her bf or a group of divorced girlfriend's fill her head with ideas about what she "deserves". So hope for the best, but prepare for the worst by getting an attorney.

The thing you want to be concerned about the most is custody. DO NOT MOVE OUT OF THE HOUSE. If you move out of the house you are abandoning your kids (in the eyes of the law). Be Super Dad from now on and document your time with the kids. Keep a diary of your time with them every day: Coaching baseball, helping with homework, taking to dance class, going to the movies, etc. Document it all. This is your proof that you are a good, involved dad. Now that you no longer have a romantic partner, you can put 100% of your time and effort into your kids and this will set you up for 50/50 (or better) custody.

When you get to the negotiation table, discuss custody BEFORE finances. Then you can use finances as a bargaining chip in custody. If you decide finances first, then you have nothing to offer her in exchange for more time with your kids, if necessary.

I'm not familiar with the laws in PA (I live in IL), but here it is pretty standard that divorce agreements include agreements that neither party can move more than a certain distance from you without your approval (mine is 30 miles). In IL, it is state law that you cannot move out of state. Right of first refusal, which someone mentioned is also standard language in a divorce agreement.

Whoever said you should pay around $3000 is wrong. I'd say that is about the minimum you will pay. Its possible to do it for less, but VERY unlikely, and if things aren't amicable you're more likely to pay between $5k and $10k. Frankly, if you there are big disagreements and you have money, the sky is the limit. Things were amicable between my ex and I and we spent a total of about $5000 (which we split). Most of it was to her lawyer to write up the agreement (it should have been much less but he wasn't a divorce attorney and kept making mistakes that we needed him to correct so the hours added up, even though he was cheap), but we also paid my lawyer to review the agreement. Luckily my ex was smart enough to realize that if we fought about the finances there wouldn't be much to fight over in the end because the attorneys would have all our money. Of course, in Illinois there are formulas for alimony and child support (again, I'm not familiar with PA law) so its pretty easy to figure everything out.

I have one other bit of advice, not related to the divorce itself. Take care of yourself. This is a very stressful time and you need to keep yourself physically and mentally healthy. Work out if you don't already. Get a hobby, or get re-aquainted with old ones that you've given up. As I said earlier, put your energies into your kids. All these things will not only keep you healthy physically and mentally, it will prepare you for life after divorce. Oh, one more thing, do not go out and start dating! Stay single for a while, at least until you are legally divorced. Some even say you shouldn't date for a year after divorce (although I don't agree with that one). Focus on you and your kids.

Finally, here is a forum I highly recommend http://forum.mensdivorce.com/. It can be a time drain to read, but it can be well worth it and its a good place to get advice if you want to post there yourself. Keep in mind, there are many contributors on there who have been through the ringer and they always assume the worst (they don't agree with my advice of "hope for the best", they just assume the worst and tell you to prepare for war accordingly.)

Sorry for the long post everyone, but as those of us who have been through it know, divorce is among the most traumatic and life altering thing that can happen to someone and it deserves a lot of attention.

To NittanyLionNation, if you want to get in touch or need someone to talk to feel free to PM me or you can send me an email at gogolion at sbcglobal.net

Best of luck, brother
 
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One thing I forgot to say. Mr. Potter will advise you, but in most states it is advantageous to file first. The party that files first has a bit more control over the pace of the proceedings (easier to stall or speed things up).
 
Every case is different. Whose name is the house in? What other valuable assets are there other than "contents"? If no minors are involved, and the house is in her name, you have to get out, unless you want the police to make you get out. Was you or she struck?
You have to make it as painless/least expensive as possible. Hiring a lawyer initially only escalates things unless the other spouse is being a shit. But at that, it comes down to assets. Do you want to fart money away on escalation and lawyers when not much is there?

Choose carefully.
 
A lot of great advise for you to consider. Keep it positive with the child. They carry scars the longest often into adulthood. The anger of one partner can be misconstrued and peg you as the villain. You must remain the adult in the room at all times for the child as well as for yourself. It will help your sanity. You must remain the parent and not the child's "buddy". As they get older you both can be played off against each other. I'm the cynic here. Remember you both own a Gold Mine but she'll get the gold and you'll get the shaft. It's just the way it is for most guys.
 
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dshumbero said:
No it's fact. You aren't getting away for 3 grand. They want more than that up front that will soon be pissed away on "reviewing materials", the Law and the like.
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LOL at this guy's "advice." You can obviously get screwed if you hire an inexperienced or incompetent attorney, but trying to negotiate and document the various aspects of a divorce (e.g., custody agreement, property settlement, alimony, etc.) with someone who is probably very angry with you, in what frequently amounts to a zero sum game, and without competent legal representation? That is simply idiotic.
 
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Not to further compound things, but one other thing I forgot to mention in my prior post (and while it has been hinted at here it hasn't been explicitly stated): you have no idea who this other alleged person is that she may be seeing. You have no idea what plans or promises these two have made; you have no idea if this person is stable, has access to weapons, or has any criminal issues. Needless to say, you do not want yourself or your kids around that until you can clearly vet who this is and if everything is safe.

Getting divorced amicably and cheaply is fine, but what do you do three months after it is all done when the new BF comes out of the dark and we all learn he has issues and has unfettered access to your kids? You'll need an attorney then and the custody agreement that you originally signed off on to save some bucks may not help you at all by that point. Then you'll spend a bunch of dough trying to undue it. Get it right the first time with an attorney and get these paramour issues (you'll eventually have one too, so be reasonable with the ex) sorted out now so that there won't be any wars when they fully enter the picture.
 
I would strongly suggest being as sweet as possible while having a Attorney draft a post nuptial settlement agreement. Focus on custody and disclose all assets and then get her to sign now while she is still feeling guilty. They are binding in PA (minus the custody) when done properly.

God bless!
 
BiochemPSU said:
Not to further compound things, but one other thing I forgot to mention in my prior post (and while it has been hinted at here it hasn't been explicitly stated): you have no idea who this other alleged person is that she may be seeing. You have no idea what plans or promises these two have made; you have no idea if this person is stable, has access to weapons, or has any criminal issues. Needless to say, you do not want yourself or your kids around that until you can clearly vet who this is and if everything is safe.

Getting divorced amicably and cheaply is fine, but what do you do three months after it is all done when the new BF comes out of the dark and we all learn he has issues and has unfettered access to your kids? You'll need an attorney then and the custody agreement that you originally signed off on to save some bucks may not help you at all by that point. Then you'll spend a bunch of dough trying to undue it. Get it right the first time with an attorney and get these paramour issues (you'll eventually have one too, so be reasonable with the ex) sorted out now so that there won't be any wars when they fully enter the picture.
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Along these lines, it is pretty standard language in most divorces that no overnight guests are allowed when you have your kids in the house (that is one reason some people jump into another marriage too soon lol).
Beyond that though, the ex is free to associate with whomever she wants. Just have to hope she uses good judgement.
 
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