The difference between a porcupine and a BMW?
With a porcupine the pricks are on the outside.
weekend joke thread
- Thread starter Nitt1300
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With a porcupine the pricks are on the outside.
Q: What do you call a dog with no legs?
A: It doesn't matter, it can't come anyway.
What do you get when you cross an agnostic dyslexic with an insomniac? Someone who stays up all night wondering if there's a dog.
A young investment banker goes out and buys the car of his dreams - a brand new Ferrari GTO. After paying $500,000, he takes it out for a spin and stops at a red light. While waiting for the light to change, an frail looking old man on a yellow moped pulls up next to him. The old man looks over at the Ferrari and asks, "What kind of car ya' got there, Sonny?"
The young man replies, "A Ferrari GTO. It cost half a million dollars!"
"Wheeewee... that's a lot of money," says the old man as he tucks his thumbs up against his suspenders. "Why does it cost so much?"
"Because this car can do up to 320 miles an hour!" states the banker proudly.
The moped driver asks, "Mind if I take a look inside?"
"No problem," replies the proud new owner. So the old man pokes his head in the window and looks around at all the bells and whistles lining the dashboard. Sitting back on his moped, the old man whistles and says, "That's a pretty nice car, all right... but I'll stick with my moped!"
Just then the light changes, so the banker decides to show the old man just what his car can do. He floors it, and within 30 seconds, the speedometer reads 160 mph! Suddenly, he notices a yellow dot in his rear view mirror. It seems to be getting closer! He slows down to see what it could be, and suddenly... Whoooooosssshhhhh! Something blows by him, going much faster!
"What in the hell could be going faster than my Ferrari?" the young man asks himself. He floors the accelerator and takes the Ferrari up to 250 mph. Then, up ahead of him, he sees that it's the old man on the moped! Amazed that the moped could pass his Ferrari, he gives it more gas and passes the moped at 275 mph. Whoooooosssshhhhh!
He's feeling pretty good until he looks in his mirror and sees the old man gaining on him again! Dumbfounded, the banker floors the gas pedal and takes the Ferrari all the way up to 320 mph. Not ten seconds later, he sees the moped bearing down on him again!
The Ferrari red lines and there's nothing more he can do! Suddenly, the moped plows into the back of his Ferrari, demolishing the rear end. The young man stops and jumps out, and unbelievably, the old man is still alive. He runs up to the mangled old man and says, "Oh my God! Is there anything I can do for you?" The old man whispers with his dying breath... "Unhook... my... suspenders... from... your.... side view mirror."
The young man replies, "A Ferrari GTO. It cost half a million dollars!"
"Wheeewee... that's a lot of money," says the old man as he tucks his thumbs up against his suspenders. "Why does it cost so much?"
"Because this car can do up to 320 miles an hour!" states the banker proudly.
The moped driver asks, "Mind if I take a look inside?"
"No problem," replies the proud new owner. So the old man pokes his head in the window and looks around at all the bells and whistles lining the dashboard. Sitting back on his moped, the old man whistles and says, "That's a pretty nice car, all right... but I'll stick with my moped!"
Just then the light changes, so the banker decides to show the old man just what his car can do. He floors it, and within 30 seconds, the speedometer reads 160 mph! Suddenly, he notices a yellow dot in his rear view mirror. It seems to be getting closer! He slows down to see what it could be, and suddenly... Whoooooosssshhhhh! Something blows by him, going much faster!
"What in the hell could be going faster than my Ferrari?" the young man asks himself. He floors the accelerator and takes the Ferrari up to 250 mph. Then, up ahead of him, he sees that it's the old man on the moped! Amazed that the moped could pass his Ferrari, he gives it more gas and passes the moped at 275 mph. Whoooooosssshhhhh!
He's feeling pretty good until he looks in his mirror and sees the old man gaining on him again! Dumbfounded, the banker floors the gas pedal and takes the Ferrari all the way up to 320 mph. Not ten seconds later, he sees the moped bearing down on him again!
The Ferrari red lines and there's nothing more he can do! Suddenly, the moped plows into the back of his Ferrari, demolishing the rear end. The young man stops and jumps out, and unbelievably, the old man is still alive. He runs up to the mangled old man and says, "Oh my God! Is there anything I can do for you?" The old man whispers with his dying breath... "Unhook... my... suspenders... from... your.... side view mirror."
Other than that, Mrs. Lincoln, how did you enjoy the play?
And how much would you care to contribute to the Indian Relief Fund, Mrs. Custer?
A little child says "Mommy, Mommy...how come I only walk in circles?" Mommy goes "Hush now, or I'll nail your other foot to the floor."
Mother Vampire says to her child: "Hurry up and drink your soup before it clots."
Famous books you never heard of:
Antlers In The Treetops by WhoGoosed theMoose
Spots On The Wall by Who Flung Poo
Hawaiian Paradise by Kamon I. Wannalaya
A priest a rabbi and a shaman walk into a bar
Bartender looks up and says-what is this, a joke?
Bartender looks up and says-what is this, a joke?
Bartender starts his shift at 5:00 with a half-full bar. Drunk lady summons him: "Bartender, give me another martooni with a cherry in it for my heartburn". Annoyed, he mixes her up a standard martini. Shortly after, he is summoned again: "Bartender, give me another martooni with a cherry in it for my heartburn". Again, he mixes up a standard martini. She drinks it in ten minutes and slurs out: "Bartender, give me another martooni with a cherry in it for my heartburn". The bartender loses his cool and tells her: "First off, it is a Martini, not a Martooni. Second, they come with olives not cherries. Third, you don't have heartburn - your tit has been laying in the ashtray for the past half hour".
Dan and Mike are hanging out. Dan says to Mike, let's play fart football. Mike says never heard of it, what is it. Dan says what we do is we fart and if it's a small fart it's a field goal and a big fart is a touchdown. Whoever is ahead after 5 rounds wins. Mike goes first as he's the visitor and let's out a small one for a field goal and Dan responds with same. Second round again is same. Third round Mike starts with a long drawn out blast for a touchdown. Dan proceeds to stick his dick in Mike's butt. Mike yells out, "what the hell are you doing". Dan responds back, "I'm blocking the extra point".
NIH is replacing its lab rats with lawyers. The reasons are
1. there are more lawyers than lab rats, 2. lab workers sympathize with the rats and 3. there are things rats just won't do.
1. there are more lawyers than lab rats, 2. lab workers sympathize with the rats and 3. there are things rats just won't do.
The scene is a saloon in the old west. Everyone is having a great time. There are several friendly card games and girls are dancing to the piano tunes when the old prospector runs in and yells "Big John's a comin'!!"
Money goes flying, people are diving out windows and the bartender is trying to stash everything he can when this HUGE body smashes through the saloon doors. He grabs two barstools, one in each hand and rips them out of the floor to make room to sit. He says to the bartender "gimme a whiskey".
The bartender fills a water glass with whiskey which he downs in less than a second.
The bartender nervously asks "would you like another one sir?" To which he answers:" No. Ain't you heard? Big John's a comin'".
Money goes flying, people are diving out windows and the bartender is trying to stash everything he can when this HUGE body smashes through the saloon doors. He grabs two barstools, one in each hand and rips them out of the floor to make room to sit. He says to the bartender "gimme a whiskey".
The bartender fills a water glass with whiskey which he downs in less than a second.
The bartender nervously asks "would you like another one sir?" To which he answers:" No. Ain't you heard? Big John's a comin'".
Lawyer parks his brand new BMW and gets out showing it off to people on the sidewalk. Just then a car goes blowing by ripping the driver's side door clean off. Lawyer starts yelling "My Bimmer, my Bimmer!!"
Guy on sidewalk says "You lawyers are so material....you didn't even notice that the car ripped your left arm off!"
Lawyer looks at his empty sleeve and yells "My Rolex! My Rolex!!!"
I was first told these years ago....by a friend that was paralyzed from the chest down. His buds at the rehab unit loved them.
CONFESSION
"Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose girl."
The priest asks, "Is that you, little Joey Pagano?"
"Yes, Father, it is."
"And who was the girl you were with?"
"I can't tell you, Father. I don't want to ruin her reputation."
"Well, Joey, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later so you may as well tell me now. Was it Tina Minetti?"
"I cannot say."
"Was it Teresa Mazzarelli?"
"I'll never tell."
"Was it Nina Capelli?"
"I'm sorry, but I cannot name her."
"Was it Cathy Piriano?"
"My lips are sealed."
"Was it Rosa DiAngelo, then?"
"Please, Father! I cannot tell you."
The priest sighs in frustration. "You're very tight lipped, and I admire that. But you've sinned and have to atone. You cannot be an altar boy now for 4 months. Now you go and behave yourself."
Joey walks back to his pew, and his friend Franco slides over and whispers, "How’d it go?"
"Four months vacation and five good leads..."
"Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose girl."
The priest asks, "Is that you, little Joey Pagano?"
"Yes, Father, it is."
"And who was the girl you were with?"
"I can't tell you, Father. I don't want to ruin her reputation."
"Well, Joey, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later so you may as well tell me now. Was it Tina Minetti?"
"I cannot say."
"Was it Teresa Mazzarelli?"
"I'll never tell."
"Was it Nina Capelli?"
"I'm sorry, but I cannot name her."
"Was it Cathy Piriano?"
"My lips are sealed."
"Was it Rosa DiAngelo, then?"
"Please, Father! I cannot tell you."
The priest sighs in frustration. "You're very tight lipped, and I admire that. But you've sinned and have to atone. You cannot be an altar boy now for 4 months. Now you go and behave yourself."
Joey walks back to his pew, and his friend Franco slides over and whispers, "How’d it go?"
"Four months vacation and five good leads..."
The correct question is "What's the difference between Pitt's Cathedral of Learning" and a porcupine?
Answer: "With a porcupine the pricks are on the outside".
What do you call a leper taking a bath?
Stu
Why did the leper hockey game stop?
There was a face off in the corner.
There was a kid who had no arms or legs.
He lived in a small town, across the street from the ballfields. One summer day other kids in the town knocked on his door. When his mom came out they said, can Johnny come over to the ballfield with us?
The mother said, "Now boys, you know Johnny has no arms or legs. He cant play baseball."
"We know. We want to use him for 2d base."
A horse walks into a bar.
Several patrons get up and leave, seeing the potential danger in the situation.
Several patrons get up and leave, seeing the potential danger in the situation.
How many “dullards” does it take to change a lightbulb?
One
[The base for all the “change the lightbulb” jokes.]
One
[The base for all the “change the lightbulb” jokes.]
Jackie the Joke Man heard them all. Remember when he would take calls and give the punch line. I think he was undefeated.
My daughter's first job was at McDonalds working for a manager named Mac. She could make a Big Mac in five minutes and make Mac big in one minute.
There are four kinds of sex :
HOUSE SEX - When you are newly married and have sex all over the house in every room.
BEDROOM SEX - After you have been married for a while, you only have sex in the bedroom.
HALL SEX - After you've been married for many, many years you just pass each other in the hall and say "FVCK YOU"
COURTROOM SEX - When your wife and her lawyer fvck you in the divorce court in front of many people for every penny you've got.
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A blind man interviews for a job as a quality controller at the local wood mill. The manager calls the blind man into his office and asks him how he expected to do this job since he was blind. The blind man replied he would do it by smell. The manager decides to test him and places a piece of wood in front of him. The manager asks, "What is it without touching it?" The blind man replies, "That’s a good piece of fir." "Correct,” says the manager, “now try this one." "That’s a bad piece of willow," says the blind man. "Correct," answers the manager.
With that, the manager decides to play a trick on the blind man. He get his secretary to lift up her dress and put her crotch in the blind mans face. "I'm confused,” says the blind man, “Can you turn it around?" The secretary turns around and puts her a$$ in his face. The blind man says, "Oh, you’re trying to fool me! But I know exactly what kind of wood that is. It’s the shit house door off a tuna boat!"
HOUSE SEX - When you are newly married and have sex all over the house in every room.
BEDROOM SEX - After you have been married for a while, you only have sex in the bedroom.
HALL SEX - After you've been married for many, many years you just pass each other in the hall and say "FVCK YOU"
COURTROOM SEX - When your wife and her lawyer fvck you in the divorce court in front of many people for every penny you've got.
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A blind man interviews for a job as a quality controller at the local wood mill. The manager calls the blind man into his office and asks him how he expected to do this job since he was blind. The blind man replied he would do it by smell. The manager decides to test him and places a piece of wood in front of him. The manager asks, "What is it without touching it?" The blind man replies, "That’s a good piece of fir." "Correct,” says the manager, “now try this one." "That’s a bad piece of willow," says the blind man. "Correct," answers the manager.
With that, the manager decides to play a trick on the blind man. He get his secretary to lift up her dress and put her crotch in the blind mans face. "I'm confused,” says the blind man, “Can you turn it around?" The secretary turns around and puts her a$$ in his face. The blind man says, "Oh, you’re trying to fool me! But I know exactly what kind of wood that is. It’s the shit house door off a tuna boat!"
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A fifteen-year old boy walked into a pharmacy. "How much is it for one condom?", he asked the pharmacist. "Sorry, son, but they only come in packs of three and they're $3.50," said the pharmacist. "Darn," said the disappointed boy, "I don't have enough money. And today I was planning on getting lucky with my new girlfriend." "Well," said the pharmacist, "in that case you can take a box for free." "Gee, thanks!!!" yelled the boy as he dashed out the door holding the box of condoms.
That night, he was at his girlfriends' house, and everyone was seated at the dinner table, ready to eat. They all said grace with bowed heads, and then they began eating. As dinner progressed, the girl noticed that the boy's head was still bowed. "I didn't know you were so religious," she whispered to her young boyfriend, impressed.
"I didn't know your dad was a pharmacist," was his reply......
That night, he was at his girlfriends' house, and everyone was seated at the dinner table, ready to eat. They all said grace with bowed heads, and then they began eating. As dinner progressed, the girl noticed that the boy's head was still bowed. "I didn't know you were so religious," she whispered to her young boyfriend, impressed.
"I didn't know your dad was a pharmacist," was his reply......
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