Funny stuff your dad (or mom, sister, brother, cousin, etc) say....

[psuro]

I am of the opinion that no comedian will ever be as funny as the natural born comedians one finds in their family. Mine is no different.

When I was a kid, about 14 or 15, and my brother was 10 or 11, we were doing all sorts of mischievous things....mostly stupid kids stuff. One day, my brother got hold of some bottle rockets and was lighting them off in front of the house on the street. One of them, however, took off over the house and we lost sight of it. We ran to the back of the house, which is heavily wooded, with dried leaves, pine needles, etc. We could not find the bottle rocket and just gave up on it.

Suddenly, one of our neighbors comes out of the house yelling "Your house is on fire"....and points to the roof. We look and there, sure enough, was the bottle rocket, stuck in the gutter, which had not been cleaned out of leaves, pine needles, etc. (it was my job and I was avoiding it of course), We got garden hose and tried to put out the fire from the ground (did not work) and our neighbor called the fire department, and then called my father and mom at their jobs.

After 30 minutes, the fire was out and my mother and father were extremely pissed. When the neighbor (who was a bit of shrew) told my dad what happened, we expected the worst.

My dad just turned to us, looked at me, then my brother, then me, then my brother and angrily, but quietly said - "You two are tied together with a dumbilical cord".

To this day, over almost 40 years later, my brother and I still laugh at that comment.

Families are the best comedic acts going.....

 

[Nitt1300]

Back in the day before cell phones, they used to have those signs on the highway indicating if a pay phone was available at the next exit. We were on a very long drive when my mom saw a sign that listed “gasoline-telephone”. Without thinking she asked my dad “what is a gasoline telephone? “ My sisters and I laughed for hours, and for years we would pick on mom about it. We were lucky she had a forgiving nature.

 

[Limestone_Lion]

My father likes to tell his buddies "you must of got off in a flower pot because you raised a blooming idiot"

 

[LionDeNittany]

I am of the opinion that no comedian will ever be as funny as the natural born comedians one finds in their family. Mine is no different.

When I was a kid, about 14 or 15, and my brother was 10 or 11, we were doing all sorts of mischievous things....mostly stupid kids stuff. One day, my brother got hold of some bottle rockets and was lighting them off in front of the house on the street. One of them, however, took off over the house and we lost sight of it. We ran to the back of the house, which is heavily wooded, with dried leaves, pine needles, etc. We could not find the bottle rocket and just gave up on it.

Suddenly, one of our neighbors comes out of the house yelling "Your house is on fire"....and points to the roof. We look and there, sure enough, was the bottle rocket, stuck in the gutter, which had not been cleaned out of leaves, pine needles, etc. (it was my job and I was avoiding it of course), We got garden hose and tried to put out the fire from the ground (did not work) and our neighbor called the fire department, and then called my father and mom at their jobs.

After 30 minutes, the fire was out and my mother and father were extremely pissed. When the neighbor (who was a bit of shrew) told my dad what happened, we expected the worst.

My dad just turned to us, looked at me, then my brother, then me, then my brother and angrily, but quietly said - "You two are tied together with a dumbilical cord".

To this day, over almost 40 years later, my brother and I still laugh at that comment.

Families are the best comedic acts going.....

From driving through the DC area several times to visit my parents in Charlottesville, my wife and I would wait for the Manassas sign to show up to see who the first could be to say:

"You know what? Kiss Manassas!"

I'm not sure the proper pronunciation, but it worked for us.

LdN

 

[kgilbert78]

My mom was Philly born and raised. We never got much west of Harrisburg (but did travel up and down the East Coast). So, early on in my PSU career, my folks are taking me up to State College. My mom sees a sign on a gas station/convenience store: "Cold Pop"--so she pulls over. She wanted a popsicle--and thought that was what they were advertising.

One of her other regular sayings about my dad was "That man would be late for his own funeral". Fast forward many years. We're up in Beverly, MA, preparing to take my parents cremains to the cemetery (my dad's family was from there). Funeral is scheduled for noon. So what happens? We run into a traffic jam. So my dad, indeed, was late for his own funeral.

BYW, that cemetery does appear in the movie "Manchester by the Sea" in the scene where they are leaving the funeral home--my parents (and grandparents) grave is within 50 yards of where the main characters were walking.

 

[Victor E. Bell]

Back in the day before cell phones, they used to have those signs on the highway indicating if a pay phone was available at the next exit. We were on a very long drive when my mom saw a sign that listed “gasoline-telephone”. Without thinking she asked my dad “what is a gasoline telephone? “ My sisters and I laughed for hours, and for years we would pick on mom about it. We were lucky she had a forgiving nature.

Along Rt 45 in Pine Grove Mills there used to be a little store (I think it's a craft shop now) that had white lettering on the side that said "Beer Sandwiches." I always thought I'd like to have a few of those. Not to take this too far afield...

One time when I was a kid, maybe a young teenager my Mother and Father were getting into a tiff about something and as usual, Mom was getting the best of the Old Boy. He came into the room all exasperated and opened a beer and told me "Don't ever marry a smart one."

 

[kgilbert78]

From driving through the DC area several times to visit my parents in Charlottesville, my wife and I would wait for the Manassas sign to show up to see who the first could be to say:

"You know what? Kiss Manassas!"

I'm not sure the proper pronunciation, but it worked for us.

LdN

My wife's favorite sign in south central PA is the one for Ephrata. But she pronounces it Eee-phart-a.

 

[Woodpecker]

My wife's favorite sign in south central PA is the one for Ephrata. But she pronounces it Eee-phart-a.

How does she say Lititz?

 

[KnightSlayer]

My grandfather-
1. Leave the bitches at home.
2. Behind every successful man is a woman trying to eff it up.

That's the funny stuff your dad said? Doesn't quite fit in with all the other light hearted humor listed but, I guess angry humor is still humor.

 

[kgilbert78]

How does she say Lititz?

I am not sure she has figured that out yet. But she's a Midwestern gal.

 

[Connorpozlee]

I could fill pages and pages with some of my father's lines. This one sticks out because it was kind of out of character for him. He never ogled women or spoke about women as objects. But one day when I was about 14/15, as we were sitting in the Jersey shore summer traffic waiting for the drawbridge to go down, a gorgeous, leggy blonde walked right in front of the car in a small bikini. She was so good looking it was impossible not to acknowledge. My father looked over at me and must have seen my eyes following every step she took towards the boardwalk. He said, "Those legs keep going up until they make an ass of themselves."

 

[kgilbert78]

One from my brother--and PSU related.

A number of years back, we had the first African-American Nittany Lion mascot. I noticed this at a game and told my brother that the Lion was black this season. A horrified look came over his face--and he said in a shocked voice "They changed the costume?!?!". I just gave him "the look"--and he realized what I'd really meant.... He then said, "well, at least you know I'm colorblind!".

 

[MarkPSU]

When I would bring my Mom to Columbus from Sharon, PA heading down 71 South there's a sign for Mid-Ohio (which is a race course) She would always say, "Look, we're in the middle of Ohio '...believing it was a marker for the center of the state...not trying to make a joke. Always got a little chuckle out of that.

 

[Mister Magoo]

Any older guys remember Dean Martin Celebrity Roasts? Foster Brooks used to do a bit where he would
take something someone did whether outstanding or nefarious and say so and so ; "Never got a dinner."
If one of us said something stupid. The others would say So and so never got a dinner.

One of my favorite that we still tease a guy about goes like this. We used to go cruising, ya know drinking beer
and trying to pick up girls. Emphasis on trying. Well, we pull up alongside a car with a couple of cuties.
We're telling the guy in the passenger seat to say something. He blurts out; "Hey, we got beer!" Line didn't
work but we still tease him about it.

 

[katchthis]

That's the funny stuff your dad said? Doesn't quite fit in with all the other light hearted humor listed but, I guess angry humor is still humor.

1.My grandmother finally has to go to the hospital and stay overnight after a surgery. She gets a double room, and the other patient is a man. My grandfather walks in and sees this and turns around and walks sternly to the nurses station, and says, " She ain't slept with another man her whole life and she ain't starting now. Get her a female roommate."
2. Grandfather needs to have a prostate resection. Being of the older generation, I never really heard him talk about sex. While he is in the hospital after the surgery, a nurse comes in. He opines. After heart surgery, they have rehab for that. After knee surgery, they have rehab for that. Why the hell don't they have a rehab schedule to help my recover from my prostate surgery. Needless to say, we all turned red.

 

[psuro]

I had mentioned in another thread about my cousin's daughter, who is 19 and just finished her freshman year at NYU.

When she was about 4 years old, we had gone to dinner at a P F Chang's - on a Saturday night. It was a typically long wait - about 45 minutes to get a table. Of course as a 4 year old, that is an interminable amount of time to just sit around. Finally, after 45 minutes the hostess comes over and says "Your table is ready"

As we were walking to the table, the then 4 year old says loudly - "Finally....I have waited my whole life for this table". Not only did we and the hostess start cracking up, so did a family of five that was eating dinner as we passed by them.

She was, and still is, a very precious child.

 

[Victor E. Bell]

This is long but one of the great classic lines I ever heard...

A friend of mine and his wife were taking their freshman daughter to college, some small school around Buffalo I think. They were getting her registered and they were in the meeting with one of the deans and she tells them that the daughter had to sign some kind of release in order for the school to furnish her parents with her semester grades. The daughter balked at this and was hemming and hawing about her "personal information" being supplied to her parents, (who were of course, footing the bill).

My buddy gives her this speech, which should be engraved in stone someplace. He says:

"Jamie, I want you to think of yourself as an emerging, third-world country. I then want to think of your mother and I as a benevolent superpower; say, The United States of America, for example. Now I want you to understand that if you don't sign that paper, we will cut off all aid, and declare war on you."

 

[mdking001]

Funny topic! I don't have specific examples but they happened all the time. My Grandmother lived with us through high school. She had alot of sayings. Two that my mother and I still laugh about. The first is everyone was an idiot so she would say 'you can't fix stupid'. I know that is something we say to this day but somehow she said it back in the 80's. She was born and raised in Germany. Sometimes she would yell at me or my sister and call us 'rotzloffels'. She said that meant stop being rotten kids. One of the few German words I know. Not even sure it is a word. I should look it up after I post ha ha

 

[PghNittanyLion]

Recently this gem came out of my grandmothers mouth while reading the paper.

"Well, let's see if I died today."

 

[manatree]

One of my mom's favorite sayings is when referring to someone who is in a foul mood: "They're like a bear with a sore ass."


Once in High School, I was hanging out my brother and his friends and as typical teenagers we were checking out the girls while walking around the mall. All of a sudden someone taps my brother on the shoulder and it just happens to be our Pastor and his wife who had been walking behind us. Our Pastor politely told my brother that he should try to set a better example for me, his younger brother. With a straight face and without missing a beat, my brother said: "Pastor Geise, I'm teaching him to admire the handiwork of the Lord." There was a moment of silence before the Pastor's wife started laughing and our Pastor just smiled, shook his head and walked away.

 

[Connorpozlee]

One of my father's most common lines that he would say to me was, "It looks like you have two pigs wrestling in your back pockets."

 

[Omar81]

Any older guys remember Dean Martin Celebrity Roasts? Foster Brooks used to do a bit where he would
take something someone did whether outstanding or nefarious and say so and so ; "Never got a dinner."
If one of us said something stupid. The others would say So and so never got a dinner.

One of my favorite that we still tease a guy about goes like this. We used to go cruising, ya know drinking beer
and trying to pick up girls. Emphasis on trying. Well, we pull up alongside a car with a couple of cuties.
We're telling the guy in the passenger seat to say something. He blurts out; "Hey, we got beer!" Line didn't
work but we still tease him about it.

Red Buttons, not Foster Brooks.

 

[Andy84]

My mom is in her early nineties and a hard-core Catholic. She wanted to take a ride to see a recent pro-life ad placed along the local highway. As we drove pass the sign, I asked her if she ever thought of having an abortion. She look straight at me and said, "Only once!" Cracked me, my wife and sister up!

 

[step.eng69]

Vocabulary Lesson

One day a little boy went up to his father to get some help on his vocabulary homework. He had a hard time figuring out what theoretically and realistically meant. He went to his father and asked, "dad, what does theoretically and realistically mean?"

His father said, "well son, if you want to know, then this is how you'll find out...go up to your mom and ask her if she would sleep with a complete stranger for $500,000."

The boy looked puzzled and said, "but what does this have to do with it?" "don't worry about it, just go do it." his father said. So the boy ran upstairs and came running back down 2 minutes later saying "Dad, Mom said she would do it."

His Father said, "good, now go ask your sister the same question you asked your mother now." The boy became confused again. but...but, "Trust me son, just go ask her and come back." So the boy ran into his sisters bedroom and came back out to his father in a matter of a few seconds. "Dad, sissy said she would do too, but what does this have to do with what theoretically and realistically mean?"

His dad replied, "well son, theoretically I have 1,000,000 dollars and realistically we have two whores living in the house".

 

[psualt]

There were a few that I should be writing down. Not sure where my dad heard these but...

From the day that you're born till you ride in a hearse, there isn't a day that couldn't be worse.

He who takes what isn't hizzin' must give it back or go to prison.

 

[PSUNAV]

How does she say Lititz?

I grew up in Lititz and my future in-laws and friends, from Syracuse, had great fun with that name!

 

[boddyebsen]

My uncle (and he had dozens of them) "Prostrate gland".

 

[Option Bob]

My niece’s daughter was a pistol at 6. One morning, Daughter refused to go to school. Her mom threatened to leave without her, but the child was adamant. As her mom closed the front door, pretending to carry out her threat, the child comes running out of the house shouting, “Wait, Mommy. Don’t leave.”

Mother turned, an I-knew-this-would-work look on her face, and said, “So, you’re ready for school now?”

Her daughter calmly responded, “No. But you forgot to turn on the TV.”

 

[leftcoastdoug]

I was a paperboy for the Bulletin. Front page news one night was Jayne Mansfield had just died of decapitation in a car accident. When I returned my mother and father were watching the news and I mentioned that Mansfield was decapitated and did she realize what that word meant? My father without skipping a beat said, "Glad they missed the best part".

 

[psuro]

When my brother gets busy, he uses the phrase "I have a lot on my plate and not enough forks"....this statement predates his marriage and the arrival of his daughter. He continued to use that phrase as his daughter grew up.

Like a lot of men, my brother's metabolism slowed down and he gained a lot of weight, especially in the midsection. He is a shade over 6'3", and probably pushes 290-300 pounds.

While at my mother's house for Thanksgiving, he said he had to go to the other room to do some work, using the statement of "I have a lot on my plate and not enough forks" As he pushed away from the table, the chair he was on creaked and cracked and the seat portion broke.

The room got silent and we all looked at him, and my niece, who was eight or nine by now, said, without even looking up from her plate - "Daddy, I think you have found the forks."

The family still kids him about It 3 or 4 years later.

 

[yeahtoasty]

Back in the day before cell phones, they used to have those signs on the highway indicating if a pay phone was available at the next exit. We were on a very long drive when my mom saw a sign that listed “gasoline-telephone”. Without thinking she asked my dad “what is a gasoline telephone? “ My sisters and I laughed for hours, and for years we would pick on mom about it. We were lucky she had a forgiving nature.

Reminds me of a time that I brought a friend home to Pittsburgh from PSU. He was a New Englander. We drove past a beer distributor that had a sign on the roof that said "Beer-Pop." He looked at me in all seriousness and said "What the hell's a beer pop?"

 

[PSU Mike]

I can't top most of these, but you could always tell Mom was pissed at Dad when you asked what we were having for dinner and she responded, "fried $hit sandwiches." We had a loving household, but we expressed it differently than most.

 

[boddyebsen]

When my dad was really pissed at someone, he would say "He can jam it up his ass with both hands, up to his armpits".