Chili Contest at the Texas State Fair

[step.eng69]

My brother-in-law (Tommy) brought deer meat to my wife the other night, and my wife was to make chili for him. Later, my wife told me that Tommy was going to enter the chili in a contest, upon which I remembered I had a “chili contest” filed away in my black book of worthless information that I would like to share with you.

Chili Contest:
These are notes from an inexperienced chili taster named FRANK, who was visiting Texas from New Jersey... "Recently I was lucky enough to be the 10,000th attendee at the State Fair in Texas and was asked to fill in to be a judge at a chili cook-off.
Apparently the original Judge #3 called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there when the call came in and was assured by the other two Judges (Native Texans) that it would be a fun event and a true taste of Texas hospitality. They assured me that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy and besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted.
Here are the scorecards from the event."

Chili # 1: Mike's Maniac Mobster Monster Chili
JUDGE ONE: A little too heavy on tomato. Amusing kick.
JUDGE TWO: Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
FRANK: Holy shit, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway with it took me two beers to put the flames out. Hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.

Chili # 2: Arthur's Afterburner Chili
JUDGE ONE: Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight Jalapeno tang.
JUDGE TWO: Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.
FRANK: Keep this out of reach of children! I'm not sure what I am supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to walkie-talkie in 3 extra beers when they saw the look on my face.

Chili # 3: Fred's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili
JUDGE ONE: Excellent firehouse chili! Great kick. Needs more beans.
JUDGE TWO: A beanless chili, a bit salty, good use of red peppers.
FRANK: Call the EPA, I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting shit-faced.

Chili # 4: Bubba's Black Magic
JUDGE ONE: Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
JUDGE TWO: Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili.
FRANK: I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Sally, the bar maid, was standing behind me with fresh refills, that 300 lb bitch is starting to look HOT, just like this nuclear-waste I'm eating.

Chili # 5: Linda's Legal Lip Remover
JUDGE ONE: Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick.Very impressive.
JUDGE TWO: Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
FRANK: My ears are ringing and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me burst into flames. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from a pitcher. It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw those rednecks!

Chili # 6: Vera's Very Vegetarian Variety
JUDGE ONE: Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spice and peppers.
JUDGE TWO: The best yet. An aggressive use of peppers, onions and garlic. Superb.
FRANK: My intestine’s are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulphuric flames. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that slut Sally. I need to wipe my ass with a snow cone!

Chili # 7: Susan's Screaming Sensation Chili
JUDGE ONE: A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.
JUDGE TWO: “Ho hum”, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment. I should note that I am worried about Judge Number 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably.
FRANK: You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin and I wouldn't feel a damn thing. I've lost the sight in one eye and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili, which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava-like shit to match my damn shirt. At least during the autopsy they'll know what killed me. I've decided too stop breathing, it's too painful. Screw it,I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4inch hole in my stomach.

Chili # 8: Helen's Mount Saint Chili
JUDGE ONE: A perfect ending... this is a nice blend chili, safe for all, not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.
JUDGE TWO: This final entry is a good, balanced chili, neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge Number 3 passed out, fell and pulled the chili pot on top of himself. Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor Yank.
FRANK: --------------(editor's note: Judge #3 was unable to report)

 

[Fayette_LION]

My brother-in-law (Tommy) brought deer meat to my wife the other night, and my wife was to make chili for him. Later, my wife told me that Tommy was going to enter the chili in a contest, upon which I remembered I had a “chili contest” filed away in my black book of worthless information that I would like to share with you.

Chili Contest:
These are notes from an inexperienced chili taster named FRANK, who was visiting Texas from New Jersey... "Recently I was lucky enough to be the 10,000th attendee at the State Fair in Texas and was asked to fill in to be a judge at a chili cook-off.
Apparently the original Judge #3 called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there when the call came in and was assured by the other two Judges (Native Texans) that it would be a fun event and a true taste of Texas hospitality. They assured me that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy and besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted.
Here are the scorecards from the event."

Chili # 1: Mike's Maniac Mobster Monster Chili
JUDGE ONE: A little too heavy on tomato. Amusing kick.
JUDGE TWO: Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
FRANK: Holy shit, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway with it took me two beers to put the flames out. Hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.

Chili # 2: Arthur's Afterburner Chili
JUDGE ONE: Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight Jalapeno tang.
JUDGE TWO: Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.
FRANK: Keep this out of reach of children! I'm not sure what I am supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to walkie-talkie in 3 extra beers when they saw the look on my face.

Chili # 3: Fred's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili
JUDGE ONE: Excellent firehouse chili! Great kick. Needs more beans.
JUDGE TWO: A beanless chili, a bit salty, good use of red peppers.
FRANK: Call the EPA, I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting shit-faced.

Chili # 4: Bubba's Black Magic
JUDGE ONE: Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
JUDGE TWO: Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili.
FRANK: I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Sally, the bar maid, was standing behind me with fresh refills, that 300 lb bitch is starting to look HOT, just like this nuclear-waste I'm eating.

Chili # 5: Linda's Legal Lip Remover
JUDGE ONE: Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick.Very impressive.
JUDGE TWO: Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
FRANK: My ears are ringing and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me burst into flames. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from a pitcher. It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw those rednecks!

Chili # 6: Vera's Very Vegetarian Variety
JUDGE ONE: Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spice and peppers.
JUDGE TWO: The best yet. An aggressive use of peppers, onions and garlic. Superb.
FRANK: My intestine’s are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulphuric flames. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that slut Sally. I need to wipe my ass with a snow cone!

Chili # 7: Susan's Screaming Sensation Chili
JUDGE ONE: A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.
JUDGE TWO: “Ho hum”, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment. I should note that I am worried about Judge Number 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably.
FRANK: You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin and I wouldn't feel a damn thing. I've lost the sight in one eye and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili, which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava-like shit to match my damn shirt. At least during the autopsy they'll know what killed me. I've decided too stop breathing, it's too painful. Screw it,I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4inch hole in my stomach.

Chili # 8: Helen's Mount Saint Chili
JUDGE ONE: A perfect ending... this is a nice blend chili, safe for all, not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.
JUDGE TWO: This final entry is a good, balanced chili, neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge Number 3 passed out, fell and pulled the chili pot on top of himself. Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor Yank.
FRANK: --------------(editor's note: Judge #3 was unable to report)

Yo step.eng69, throw in the recipes, would like to find a new chili to taste.

 

[green2623]

This reminds me of the time, twenty years ago, when I overheard our babysitter telling a new girl to bring her own food, because everything in my refrigerator would burn your tongue off. Step, you had me laughing so hard I had tears in my eyes.

 

[lionroar88]

These are ALMOST as good as The Ad Buck's adventure novellas!

 

[step.eng69]

Yo step.eng69, throw in the recipes, would like to find a new chili to taste.

I'll see what I can do; my wife's chili is probably medium spiciness in the chili world. Nothing special, my brother-in-law probably wants to modify Karen’s chili to enter into a contest. This will save him the work of making the basic batch and only have to tweak the dish.

 

[Obliviax]

oddly, the local Giant Eagle makes as good as chili as I can find anywhere.

 

[m48tank]

I'll see what I can do; my wife's chili is probably medium spiciness in the chili world. Nothing special, my brother-in-law probably wants to modify Karen’s chili to enter into a contest. This will save him the work of making the basic batch and only have to tweak the dish.

I also laughed out loud and tears were streaming down my face. Thanks!!

 

[step.eng69]

I also laughed out loud and tears were streaming down my face. Thanks!!

You are welcome Tank

 

[Victor E. Bell]

Yo step.eng69, throw in the recipes, would like to find a new chili to taste.

I make a pretty good chili everyone likes and I tweak it depending on what I have on hand as far as fresh chiles or hot sauces. I have taken this to work and some parties and I get a lot of compliments on it.

1lb hamburger (I try to use 80-20, no leaner)
1lb hot Italian sausage (squeezed out of casings or buy loose)
About 1/2 of a large onion, chopped
1 green bell pepper, chopped (red or orange don't add anything IMO, and usually more $)
Chopped fresh chiles to taste (optional)
1 tsp chopped garlic
few dashes Worcestershire sauce
about 1/4 cup flour
3T Chili powder
2t cumin
2t basil
2t oregano
salt and pepper
About 3 T Tabasco
28oz can crushed tomatoes
15oz can red kidney beans (optional) with juice
12 oz beer
*everything above consider adjustable to taste*

Cook meat, onions, peppers, and garlic in a large pot. When browned and veggies are tender, drain. Stir in flour and spices. Cook about 1 minute, stirring flour in till thickened, no white. Add tomatoes. Stir in beans, Worcestershire, and Tabasco or other hot sauce(s.) Add beer. Simmer a few hours or transfer to a crock pot on low for a few hrs.

I like it thick, hence the flour. If it's too thick, add more beer or water. Too thin, more flour. Enjoy.

 

[Leo Ridens]

I'll see what I can do; my wife's chili is probably medium spiciness in the chili world. Nothing special, my brother-in-law probably wants to modify Karen’s chili to enter into a contest. This will save him the work of making the basic batch and only have to tweak the dish.

Useless without recipe AND picture of wife - wife picture exception rule waived because it is her recipe. 8^)

 

[bkmtnittany1]

Absolutely hilarious!

 

[bkmtnittany1]

I make a pretty good chili everyone likes and I tweak it depending on what I have on hand as far as fresh chiles or hot sauces. I have taken this to work and some parties and I get a lot of compliments on it.

1lb hamburger (I try to use 80-20, no leaner)
1lb hot Italian sausage (squeezed out of casings or buy loose)
About 1/2 of a large onion, chopped
1 green bell pepper, chopped (red or orange don't add anything IMO, and usually more $)
Chopped fresh chiles to taste (optional)
1 tsp chopped garlic
few dashes Worcestershire sauce
about 1/4 cup flour
3T Chili powder
2t cumin
2t basil
2t oregano
salt and pepper
About 3 T Tabasco
28oz can crushed tomatoes
15oz can red kidney beans (optional) with juice
12 oz beer
*everything above consider adjustable to taste*

Cook meat, onions, peppers, and garlic in a large pot. When browned and veggies are tender, drain. Stir in flour and spices. Cook about 1 minute, stirring flour in till thickened, no white. Add tomatoes. Stir in beans, Worcestershire, and Tabasco or other hot sauce(s.) Add beer. Simmer a few hours or transfer to a crock pot on low for a few hrs.

I like it thick, hence the flour. If it's too thick, add more beer or water. Too thin, more flour. Enjoy.

Absolutely hilarious!

i LIKE THIS^^^^^^ gonna try it for the Super Bowl...thanks Vic....

 

[jim cummings]

 

[Victor E. Bell]

i LIKE THIS^^^^^^ gonna try it for the Super Bowl...thanks Vic....

Good. Report back with results! It's got a kick but not killer.

 

[anon_xdc8rmuek44eq]

Love a good recipe thread! Actually made a white bean/chicken chili last night that was really, really good (secret is in adding tomatillo salsa before serving).

Also, what is the deal with Cincinnati chili? My cousin has a fall festival at her house every year in VA and they always make their own chilis save one - they buy Cincinnati chili from Hard Times Cafe and it has such a good, weird flavor/texture. Has anyone made this at home? Would like to give it a try.

 

[Victor E. Bell]

As a note, the garlic is up to you. I've used the minced stuff in a jar. If you don't have fresh garlic or the jarred stuff you can use garlic powder, a good tsp. will do.

 

[EdH85]

Thanks for the laugh Step!

 

[OhioLion]

"oddly, the local Giant Eagle makes as good as chili as I can find anywhere."

Obli,
I call BS. My mother-in-law says Heinens is the best around!

OL

 

[LMTLION]

I laughed so hard my wife was asking if insanity has finally claimed me.

 

[psuro]

Good stuff Step.

 

[MtNittany]

Love a good recipe thread! Actually made a white bean/chicken chili last night that was really, really good (secret is in adding tomatillo salsa before serving).

Also, what is the deal with Cincinnati chili? My cousin has a fall festival at her house every year in VA and they always make their own chilis save one - they buy Cincinnati chili from Hard Times Cafe and it has such a good, weird flavor/texture. Has anyone made this at home? Would like to give it a try.

I don't like cinnamon in chili and that's all I taste when I eat Cincinnati Chili. At least Skyline's anyway.

 

[step.eng69]

I make a pretty good chili everyone likes and I tweak it depending on what I have on hand as far as fresh chiles or hot sauces. I have taken this to work and some parties and I get a lot of compliments on it.

1lb hamburger (I try to use 80-20, no leaner)
1lb hot Italian sausage (squeezed out of casings or buy loose)
About 1/2 of a large onion, chopped
1 green bell pepper, chopped (red or orange don't add anything IMO, and usually more $)
Chopped fresh chiles to taste (optional)
1 tsp chopped garlic
few dashes Worcestershire sauce
about 1/4 cup flour
3T Chili powder
2t cumin
2t basil
2t oregano
salt and pepper
About 3 T Tabasco
28oz can crushed tomatoes
15oz can red kidney beans (optional) with juice
12 oz beer
*everything above consider adjustable to taste*

Cook meat, onions, peppers, and garlic in a large pot. When browned and veggies are tender, drain. Stir in flour and spices. Cook about 1 minute, stirring flour in till thickened, no white. Add tomatoes. Stir in beans, Worcestershire, and Tabasco or other hot sauce(s.) Add beer. Simmer a few hours or transfer to a crock pot on low for a few hrs.

I like it thick, hence the flour. If it's too thick, add more beer or water. Too thin, more flour. Enjoy.

Thanks for the recipe Victor, maybe Karen will make a batch for me.

 

[step.eng69]

Thanks for the laugh Step!

You're welcome Ed, glad you enjoyed.
Step

 

[step.eng69]

Good stuff Step.

Thanks to, glad to be of service with a little laughter for the day.

 

[psuro]

Thanks to, glad to be of service with a little laughter for the day.

My favorite line- I need to wipe my ass with a snow cone.

 

[step.eng69]

My favorite line- I need to wipe my ass with a snow cone.

Every once in a while, a comment or situation reminded me of some jokes I have archived many years ago, this one and " Men are from Mars....." are some of my favorites.

 

[flavorguy]

i LIKE THIS^^^^^^ gonna try it for the Super Bowl...thanks Vic....

As some of you know, I am a consultant in the food industry and work primarily in developing flavor systems for Fortune 500 food/beverage companies... this recipe is more of a traditional "Texas" style - my recipe contains black beans (which some purists consider a "no-no")... so if we want to debate this point, just leave them out. Also notice that I start with dried Chile pods (not powders) and there are no tomatoes - the red comes from the Chile puree. Chile pods can be ordered off of Amazon or through Penzy's...


For 4 lbs of Trimmed Meat:

(Great meat for this recipe - boneless leg of lamb, cut into 1/4 inch dice)


-4 oz. dried chilies

(3:2 ratio: Ancho / Pasilla : New Mexican)


-4 Tbl H2O

-1.5 teaspooon Baking Soda

-1 Tbl Salt


-1 T Ground Cumin


-3/4 Cup Finely Chopped Onion

-6 cloves Minced Garlic

-4 Chipolte Peppers (w/ adobo sauce), seeded, minced….


-4 Cups of Beef Stock (or mix with Chili Steeping liquid)


-3 cans drained Black beans


****************************


-2 T Brown Sugar


-3 T White Vinegar


****************************

-Additional Salt / Cumin / Minced Chipoltes



Procedure:


1) Toss meat with H20, baking soda, & Salt. Let rest for 20 minutes


2) Stem and split chilies. Seed. Toast Chile’s in 275’F oven – 4 to 6 minutes (until fragrant). Cover with very hot water and steep 30-45 minutes. Drain, but reserve water. Place Chile’s in blender, add cumin (S&P to taste). Blend with approx. ½ cup steeping water (more if needed) to make chile paste. Set aside


3) Brown meat – med- high heat, in batches. Add oil as needed. Brown first batch as brown as possible. Transfer to a bowl. Repeat until all meat is browned. Do not clean pot.


4) Brown onions / Garlic in oil until well sweated. Add Stock (or stock / steep water). Deglaze pan. Add chili paste and meat. Bring to simmer over high heat, then cut heat to maintain slight simmer. Simmer (2 hours). Let cool if possible to allow meat to absorb sauce.


5) 1st adjustment - Add beans – but do not cook more than 30 minutes. Let cool if possible to absorb chile gravy. Stir in stock/chile water if too dry…. If loose simmer a tad more – do not over stir. Check Chile paste/spice level.


6) Before serving. Bring back to gentle simmer. Adjust Cumin, Chipolte level, Salt levels, vinegar, sugar before final serving.

 

[hagberg]

My brother-in-law (Tommy) brought deer meat to my wife the other night, and my wife was to make chili for him. Later, my wife told me that Tommy was going to enter the chili in a contest, upon which I remembered I had a “chili contest” filed away in my black book of worthless information that I would like to share with you.

Chili Contest:
These are notes from an inexperienced chili taster named FRANK, who was visiting Texas from New Jersey... "Recently I was lucky enough to be the 10,000th attendee at the State Fair in Texas and was asked to fill in to be a judge at a chili cook-off.
Apparently the original Judge #3 called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there when the call came in and was assured by the other two Judges (Native Texans) that it would be a fun event and a true taste of Texas hospitality. They assured me that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy and besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted.
Here are the scorecards from the event."

Chili # 1: Mike's Maniac Mobster Monster Chili
JUDGE ONE: A little too heavy on tomato. Amusing kick.
JUDGE TWO: Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
FRANK: Holy shit, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway with it took me two beers to put the flames out. Hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.

Chili # 2: Arthur's Afterburner Chili
JUDGE ONE: Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight Jalapeno tang.
JUDGE TWO: Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.
FRANK: Keep this out of reach of children! I'm not sure what I am supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to walkie-talkie in 3 extra beers when they saw the look on my face.

Chili # 3: Fred's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili
JUDGE ONE: Excellent firehouse chili! Great kick. Needs more beans.
JUDGE TWO: A beanless chili, a bit salty, good use of red peppers.
FRANK: Call the EPA, I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting shit-faced.

Chili # 4: Bubba's Black Magic
JUDGE ONE: Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
JUDGE TWO: Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili.
FRANK: I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Sally, the bar maid, was standing behind me with fresh refills, that 300 lb bitch is starting to look HOT, just like this nuclear-waste I'm eating.

Chili # 5: Linda's Legal Lip Remover
JUDGE ONE: Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick.Very impressive.
JUDGE TWO: Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
FRANK: My ears are ringing and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me burst into flames. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from a pitcher. It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw those rednecks!

Chili # 6: Vera's Very Vegetarian Variety
JUDGE ONE: Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spice and peppers.
JUDGE TWO: The best yet. An aggressive use of peppers, onions and garlic. Superb.
FRANK: My intestine’s are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulphuric flames. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that slut Sally. I need to wipe my ass with a snow cone!

Chili # 7: Susan's Screaming Sensation Chili
JUDGE ONE: A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.
JUDGE TWO: “Ho hum”, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment. I should note that I am worried about Judge Number 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably.
FRANK: You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin and I wouldn't feel a damn thing. I've lost the sight in one eye and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili, which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava-like shit to match my damn shirt. At least during the autopsy they'll know what killed me. I've decided too stop breathing, it's too painful. Screw it,I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4inch hole in my stomach.

Chili # 8: Helen's Mount Saint Chili
JUDGE ONE: A perfect ending... this is a nice blend chili, safe for all, not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.
JUDGE TWO: This final entry is a good, balanced chili, neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge Number 3 passed out, fell and pulled the chili pot on top of himself. Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor Yank.
FRANK: --------------(editor's note: Judge #3 was unable to report)

O
M
G
!

Step, I laughed so hard the tears ran down my legs! I agree with another poster about the snow cone line, along with a fart setting people on fire!

I lived in Texas the first five years of my life. I think just being born there makes one able to eat very spicy food. However.....

I was in Thailand several times, and always ran with the Hash House Harriers while there. They'd have food at the end of each run, and it was usually quite...interesting; on one occasion it included Lao beef (looks and sort of smells like Korean bulgogi, which I love). There was also a lot of white rice, which is of course common in most Asian countries, but it seemed like an excessive amounts. "Whatever," I thought.

Lao beef is very flavorful and doesn't have an immediate bite, so I shoveled in three or four mouthfuls before the tingle started turning into something more. One of my fellow HHH'ers saw my oncoming distress and yelled "DON'T DRINK ANY WATER!", just as I was finishing a glass of water. Like pouring water on an oil fire, all it accomplished was to spread the burn!

I immediately realized the reason for all the rice, and commenced putting a huge dent in the supply, much to the amusement of the other expats in the Hash. My stomach rumbled for the rest of my stay, and I was scared to drop a deuce for fear it would be nothing but molten lava.

Ah, the lessons we learn the hard way!

 

[step.eng69]

O
M
G
!

Step, I laughed so hard the tears ran down my legs! I agree with another poster about the snow cone line, along with a fart setting people on fire!

I lived in Texas the first five years of my life. I think just being born there makes one able to eat very spicy food. However.....

I was in Thailand several times, and always ran with the Hash House Harriers while there. They'd have food at the end of each run, and it was usually quite...interesting; on one occasion it included Lao beef (looks and sort of smells like Korean bulgogi, which I love). There was also a lot of white rice, which is of course common in most Asian countries, but it seemed like an excessive amounts. "Whatever," I thought.

Lao beef is very flavorful and doesn't have an immediate bite, so I shoveled in three or four mouthfuls before the tingle started turning into something more. One of my fellow HHH'ers saw my oncoming distress and yelled "DON'T DRINK ANY WATER!", just as I was finishing a glass of water. Like pouring water on an oil fire, all it accomplished was to spread the burn!

I immediately realized the reason for all the rice, and commenced putting a huge dent in the supply, much to the amusement of the other expats in the Hash. My stomach rumbled for the rest of my stay, and I was scared to drop a deuce for fear it would be nothing but molten lava.

Ah, the lessons we learn the hard way!

You are welcome Mr. Hagberg, quite a story. Stay healthy
Step

 

[jim cummings]

As some of you know, I am a consultant in the food industry and work primarily in developing flavor systems for Fortune 500 food/beverage companies... this recipe is more of a traditional "Texas" style - my recipe contains black beans (which some purists consider a "no-no")... so if we want to debate this point, just leave them out. Also notice that I start with dried Chile pods (not powders) and there are no tomatoes - the red comes from the Chile puree. Chile pods can be ordered off of Amazon or through Penzy's...


For 4 lbs of Trimmed Meat:

(Great meat for this recipe - boneless leg of lamb, cut into 1/4 inch dice)


-4 oz. dried chilies

(3:2 ratio: Ancho / Pasilla : New Mexican)


-4 Tbl H2O

-1.5 teaspooon Baking Soda

-1 Tbl Salt


-1 T Ground Cumin


-3/4 Cup Finely Chopped Onion

-6 cloves Minced Garlic

-4 Chipolte Peppers (w/ adobo sauce), seeded, minced….


-4 Cups of Beef Stock (or mix with Chili Steeping liquid)


-3 cans drained Black beans


****************************


-2 T Brown Sugar


-3 T White Vinegar


****************************

-Additional Salt / Cumin / Minced Chipoltes



Procedure:


1) Toss meat with H20, baking soda, & Salt. Let rest for 20 minutes


2) Stem and split chilies. Seed. Toast Chile’s in 275’F oven – 4 to 6 minutes (until fragrant). Cover with very hot water and steep 30-45 minutes. Drain, but reserve water. Place Chile’s in blender, add cumin (S&P to taste). Blend with approx. ½ cup steeping water (more if needed) to make chile paste. Set aside


3) Brown meat – med- high heat, in batches. Add oil as needed. Brown first batch as brown as possible. Transfer to a bowl. Repeat until all meat is browned. Do not clean pot.


4) Brown onions / Garlic in oil until well sweated. Add Stock (or stock / steep water). Deglaze pan. Add chili paste and meat. Bring to simmer over high heat, then cut heat to maintain slight simmer. Simmer (2 hours). Let cool if possible to allow meat to absorb sauce.


5) 1st adjustment - Add beans – but do not cook more than 30 minutes. Let cool if possible to absorb chile gravy. Stir in stock/chile water if too dry…. If loose simmer a tad more – do not over stir. Check Chile paste/spice level.


6) Before serving. Bring back to gentle simmer. Adjust Cumin, Chipolte level, Salt levels, vinegar, sugar before final serving.

Savage!

 

[doublehaul]

Step, read it twice and laughed just as hard the second time. Hilarious.

 

[jim cummings]

I make a pretty good chili everyone likes and I tweak it depending on what I have on hand as far as fresh chiles or hot sauces. I have taken this to work and some parties and I get a lot of compliments on it.

1lb hamburger (I try to use 80-20, no leaner)
1lb hot Italian sausage (squeezed out of casings or buy loose)
About 1/2 of a large onion, chopped
1 green bell pepper, chopped (red or orange don't add anything IMO, and usually more $)
Chopped fresh chiles to taste (optional)
1 tsp chopped garlic
few dashes Worcestershire sauce
about 1/4 cup flour
3T Chili powder
2t cumin
2t basil
2t oregano
salt and pepper
About 3 T Tabasco
28oz can crushed tomatoes
15oz can red kidney beans (optional) with juice
12 oz beer
*everything above consider adjustable to taste*

Cook meat, onions, peppers, and garlic in a large pot. When browned and veggies are tender, drain. Stir in flour and spices. Cook about 1 minute, stirring flour in till thickened, no white. Add tomatoes. Stir in beans, Worcestershire, and Tabasco or other hot sauce(s.) Add beer. Simmer a few hours or transfer to a crock pot on low for a few hrs.

I like it thick, hence the flour. If it's too thick, add more beer or water. Too thin, more flour. Enjoy.

This is happening.

4 additions so far...
2T blackened Cajun spice
1T of cayenne pepper
2 shots bourbon for cooking meat and veggies
4 small little celery stalks

Substitutes: 12 oz water/shot bourbon combination for beer and a1 (a smidge) for worcestershire.

Other than the aforementioned tweaks, I followed the recipe.

Considering adding corn instead of flour to add another element and soak up some excess moisture, not that it'll help much, but have flour on standby.

Wish I had some scallions to top with.

 

[jim cummings]

This is happening.

4 additions so far...
2T blackened Cajun spice
1T of cayenne pepper
2 shots bourbon for cooking meat and veggies
4 small little celery stalks

Except I missed the part where it says simmer a few hours then transfer to crock pot. Ain't got time for all that

 

[nitsman]

My brother-in-law (Tommy) brought deer meat to my wife the other night, and my wife was to make chili for him. Later, my wife told me that Tommy was going to enter the chili in a contest, upon which I remembered I had a “chili contest” filed away in my black book of worthless information that I would like to share with you.

Chili Contest:
These are notes from an inexperienced chili taster named FRANK, who was visiting Texas from New Jersey... "Recently I was lucky enough to be the 10,000th attendee at the State Fair in Texas and was asked to fill in to be a judge at a chili cook-off.
Apparently the original Judge #3 called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there when the call came in and was assured by the other two Judges (Native Texans) that it would be a fun event and a true taste of Texas hospitality. They assured me that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy and besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted.
Here are the scorecards from the event."

Chili # 1: Mike's Maniac Mobster Monster Chili
JUDGE ONE: A little too heavy on tomato. Amusing kick.
JUDGE TWO: Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
FRANK: Holy shit, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway with it took me two beers to put the flames out. Hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.

Chili # 2: Arthur's Afterburner Chili
JUDGE ONE: Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight Jalapeno tang.
JUDGE TWO: Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.
FRANK: Keep this out of reach of children! I'm not sure what I am supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to walkie-talkie in 3 extra beers when they saw the look on my face.

Chili # 3: Fred's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili
JUDGE ONE: Excellent firehouse chili! Great kick. Needs more beans.
JUDGE TWO: A beanless chili, a bit salty, good use of red peppers.
FRANK: Call the EPA, I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting shit-faced.

Chili # 4: Bubba's Black Magic
JUDGE ONE: Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
JUDGE TWO: Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili.
FRANK: I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Sally, the bar maid, was standing behind me with fresh refills, that 300 lb bitch is starting to look HOT, just like this nuclear-waste I'm eating.

Chili # 5: Linda's Legal Lip Remover
JUDGE ONE: Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick.Very impressive.
JUDGE TWO: Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
FRANK: My ears are ringing and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me burst into flames. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from a pitcher. It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw those rednecks!

Chili # 6: Vera's Very Vegetarian Variety
JUDGE ONE: Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spice and peppers.
JUDGE TWO: The best yet. An aggressive use of peppers, onions and garlic. Superb.
FRANK: My intestine’s are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulphuric flames. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that slut Sally. I need to wipe my ass with a snow cone!

Chili # 7: Susan's Screaming Sensation Chili
JUDGE ONE: A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.
JUDGE TWO: “Ho hum”, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment. I should note that I am worried about Judge Number 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably.
FRANK: You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin and I wouldn't feel a damn thing. I've lost the sight in one eye and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili, which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava-like shit to match my damn shirt. At least during the autopsy they'll know what killed me. I've decided too stop breathing, it's too painful. Screw it,I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4inch hole in my stomach.

Chili # 8: Helen's Mount Saint Chili
JUDGE ONE: A perfect ending... this is a nice blend chili, safe for all, not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.
JUDGE TWO: This final entry is a good, balanced chili, neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge Number 3 passed out, fell and pulled the chili pot on top of himself. Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor Yank.
FRANK: --------------(editor's note: Judge #3 was unable to report)

THANK YOU!!!! Laughed SO HARD that I had tears running down on my face!!!
( NO SHIEST!!!!!!!! ) Not only made my day it actually made the whole month and surely
will cover the rest of winter till Spring! ABSOLUTELY HILARIOUS STUFF!!!!!!!

 

[Victor E. Bell]

Except I missed the part where it says simmer a few hours then transfer to crock pot. Ain't got time for all that

Yeah, it's all what you want in it. Don't have to simmer too long if you don't have the time but I find it's better if you let everything mingle in there awhile. Also better the next day. Flavorguy's looks like something I'd love to try.

 

[jim cummings]

Also better the next day.

Thanks for the heads up on that.

 

[Jerademan74]

My brother-in-law (Tommy) brought deer meat to my wife the other night, and my wife was to make chili for him. Later, my wife told me that Tommy was going to enter the chili in a contest, upon which I remembered I had a “chili contest” filed away in my black book of worthless information that I would like to share with you.

Chili Contest:
These are notes from an inexperienced chili taster named FRANK, who was visiting Texas from New Jersey... "Recently I was lucky enough to be the 10,000th attendee at the State Fair in Texas and was asked to fill in to be a judge at a chili cook-off.
Apparently the original Judge #3 called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there when the call came in and was assured by the other two Judges (Native Texans) that it would be a fun event and a true taste of Texas hospitality. They assured me that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy and besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted.
Here are the scorecards from the event."

Chili # 1: Mike's Maniac Mobster Monster Chili
JUDGE ONE: A little too heavy on tomato. Amusing kick.
JUDGE TWO: Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
FRANK: Holy shit, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway with it took me two beers to put the flames out. Hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.

Chili # 2: Arthur's Afterburner Chili
JUDGE ONE: Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight Jalapeno tang.
JUDGE TWO: Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.
FRANK: Keep this out of reach of children! I'm not sure what I am supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to walkie-talkie in 3 extra beers when they saw the look on my face.

Chili # 3: Fred's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili
JUDGE ONE: Excellent firehouse chili! Great kick. Needs more beans.
JUDGE TWO: A beanless chili, a bit salty, good use of red peppers.
FRANK: Call the EPA, I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting shit-faced.

Chili # 4: Bubba's Black Magic
JUDGE ONE: Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
JUDGE TWO: Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili.
FRANK: I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Sally, the bar maid, was standing behind me with fresh refills, that 300 lb bitch is starting to look HOT, just like this nuclear-waste I'm eating.

Chili # 5: Linda's Legal Lip Remover
JUDGE ONE: Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick.Very impressive.
JUDGE TWO: Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
FRANK: My ears are ringing and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me burst into flames. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from a pitcher. It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw those rednecks!

Chili # 6: Vera's Very Vegetarian Variety
JUDGE ONE: Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spice and peppers.
JUDGE TWO: The best yet. An aggressive use of peppers, onions and garlic. Superb.
FRANK: My intestine’s are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulphuric flames. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that slut Sally. I need to wipe my ass with a snow cone!

Chili # 7: Susan's Screaming Sensation Chili
JUDGE ONE: A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.
JUDGE TWO: “Ho hum”, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment. I should note that I am worried about Judge Number 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably.
FRANK: You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin and I wouldn't feel a damn thing. I've lost the sight in one eye and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili, which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava-like shit to match my damn shirt. At least during the autopsy they'll know what killed me. I've decided too stop breathing, it's too painful. Screw it,I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4inch hole in my stomach.

Chili # 8: Helen's Mount Saint Chili
JUDGE ONE: A perfect ending... this is a nice blend chili, safe for all, not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.
JUDGE TWO: This final entry is a good, balanced chili, neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge Number 3 passed out, fell and pulled the chili pot on top of himself. Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor Yank.
FRANK: --------------(editor's note: Judge #3 was unable to report)

I participated in a Chili cook-off in Jacksonville, FL about 15 years ago. I was never as sick as I was for at least 3 days afterward. Do you know what "explosive diarrhea" sounds like?

 

[Victor E. Bell]

Love a good recipe thread! Actually made a white bean/chicken chili last night that was really, really good (secret is in adding tomatillo salsa before serving).

Also, what is the deal with Cincinnati chili? My cousin has a fall festival at her house every year in VA and they always make their own chilis save one - they buy Cincinnati chili from Hard Times Cafe and it has such a good, weird flavor/texture. Has anyone made this at home? Would like to give it a try.

I tried making white chicken chili once. It was OK. I have had better. I need a good recipe.

 

[hagberg]

Except I missed the part where it says simmer a few hours then transfer to crock pot. Ain't got time for all that

I agree! If it can't be done entirely in a crockpot, I don't do it! (One exception: I sometimes sear the meat on the grill before cutting it up for the chili.)

 

[step.eng69]

THANK YOU!!!! Laughed SO HARD that I had tears running down on my face!!!
( NO SHIEST!!!!!!!! ) Not only made my day it actually made the whole month and surely
will cover the rest of winter till Spring! ABSOLUTELY HILARIOUS STUFF!!!!!!!

You're welcome nits, happy I gave you some relief from reality. Sometimes life can have so many twists & turns and can be difficult. The other phrase for this, "Life can be a ....", I appreciate woman, and prefere not to use.