Divorce Advice?

[fkkkjm]

A sensitive subject I know. Wife and I have been in a tailspin for probably the last couple of years. Been together 10 altogether. Wife is a good person, but drinks too much with work friends (1 DUI) and just seems to have gone off the deep end since her mom died. Don’t think she’s ever been unfaithful, but she’s also way too nice to guys she shouldn’t be. She claims to have accepted a job that will lead to a very long commute 5 days a week and some travel. She knew I had some concerns about this, but just thought I was being jealous because she’d now make more than me (nice promotion). If true - I’m very upset she took the job without us coming to an agreement.

long story short - I’m at the end of my rope. I have a 4 year old and a 9 year old, so I don’t want this at all.

Any advice from guys who have been through tough patches or a divorce?

 

[NittPicker]

I've been through a divorce but it didn't involve the layers of factors you're facing. I can't offer much in the way of sage advice but I will say with whatever happens, always consider what effect it may have on the kids. All the best to you and your family.....

 

[BornALion]

I don’t want to talk out both sides of my mouth, but as someone who got divorced when my son was young (3) do everything you can to make it work. Seeing my son only 40% of his life for the past 14 years has made it go by ridiculously fast now that he’s a young man about to graduate high school. You will never get that time back. Don’t know how your custody situation would play out but child services is also not favorable to the fathers in PA. I could have his 4 year degree paid for what I’ve contributed to support over the years.

Have an open and honest conversation with your wife, go to therapy if needed. Even if it doesn’t correct the situation, try, with all your night, you owe it to yourself and your kids.

 

[The Spin Meister]

Whatever happens, make sure the kids know this isn’t their fault. Parents often argue over issues with raising kids so kids think any divorce is their fault. Any discussion about the kids should happen when they are not home. And in bed does not count as kids have great hearing.

And it is common for one spouse to turn the kids against the other. Don’t do it and if she does get professional help....lawyer, counselors, whatever it takes to protect the kids.

 

[lazydave841]

If you don't like her decision making in marriage, you will loathe the one's she will make through separation and divorce.

As @BornALion stated, seeing your kids 40% of the time is tough. And in most cases, that is a best case scenario. Your influence on them will greatly diminish if she holds any ill will towards you. Maybe she's a great mother and it's not an issue. If not, remember, you can't fix in 2 days what she ties up in 5.

If she hasn't been unfaithful, I'd suggest working on things. Even so, get a calendar and keep notes.

 

[Cpeplion]

Divorce was the most mentally, physically, and emotionally draining thing I have ever been through. Owed my attorney over 70k after 4 years of legal battles, but I have my son 75% of the year.
I also lost 35-40lbs due to stress.

also, in my case, my ex-wife left the marital property and tried to keep my son away from me for over a year before I could get a decent attorney that would go after her.

keep meticulous notes…DO NOT under ANY circumstances whatsoever LEAVE YOUR HOME…make her do it.

 

[91Joe95]

Whatever happens, make sure the kids know this isn’t their fault. Parents often argue over issues with raising kids so kids think any divorce is their fault. Any discussion about the kids should happen when they are not home. And in bed does not count as kids have great hearing.

And it is common for one spouse to turn the kids against the other. Do do it and if she does get professional help....lawyer, counselors, whatever it takes to protect the kids.

I have enough divorced friends to know that even if you win, the kids lose. The kids always lose. That, and get a really good lawyer. My brother almost got divorced last year over his wife's similar drinking pattern. He filed, counseling finally worked after several months, now she doesn't drink, and they rediscovered why they liked each other in the first place. Good luck.

 

[j4golf]

Retain the best divorce lawyer in your area. Even if you don’t use them, that way she can’t use them against you. And yes shield your kids for the ugliness of a divorce. Good luck and I hope you can work it out the best way for your kids.

 

[NittanyLionNation]

Agree with all the advice given so far. Having been through a divorce 4 years ago, the hardest part is not seeing your kids every day. Try counseling and if you ultimately can’t work through your differences, at least you both know you tried all you could to make it work. Too much to lose to not at least try. Divorce is a wild card, we were cordial and no one tried to screw the other, but have heard horror stories.

 

[19333lion]

You are not the only one bearing a burden. Your wife will also, especially if you divorce. For your children's sake, both of you need to be amicable about separating and potential divorce. If you do divorce, both of you will have more complicated lives. So will your children, which is why it must be amicable. If you (meaning both of you) place the welfare of your children first, it should eliminate the messy stuff. By placing the interests of your children first, both of you can get past the idea of winner-loser should it come to divorce. They will thank both of you someday.

If your wife has a job that requires a lot of travel, she might not be well-suited for primary caregiver role. She should know that before the issue of custody comes up. The problem is that children can become a prize. That of course is bullshit.

The other issue for her is very touchy. People who don't acknowledge drinking problems can be very unreasonable. Has she seen a therapist who specializes in substance abuse? There may very well be other problems but the one with alcohol stands on its own and is uncaused by other problems. It is its own problem.

Good luck to all of you if any luck is needed.

 

[Cpeplion]

And BTW…if she does have a job that takes her away like you say, prove that you are the primary caregiver and you will have a better shot at keeping your kids than people think

 

[ILLINOISLION]

Was married for 14, been divorced for 23. I tried to save the marriage when she wanted out, in hindsight I should have filed the next day. She used counseling just to shift the blame my way. And by postponing “the inevitable” she got an additional chunk of my next year’s salary and bonus check.

FORTUNATELY no children were involved. I always wanted kids but I thank my lucky stars because it would have been ugly ugly ugly. She had drinking problems and apparently worked for NASA part-time as she thought she was the center of the universe.

Fkkkjm, I am so so sorry you have to deal with this mess, life can be brutally so unfair at times. Take care of yourself because your kids will need a strong father. You got this!

 

[Player2BNamedL8r]

I’ll add this - I’m old(ish) now…got married later in life, which in turn, led to my wife and I becoming a parents later than most of my kid’s peers’ parents. There are regrets and benefits to starting a family later in life, which I won’t get into. What I will offer is that my wife and I were both children of divorce, and while both of our parents did their very best to be present in our upbringing, their failed marriages left very big scars for us in terms of how/when we decided we were ready for such a commitment. Not making excuses nor am I casting any blame…just pointing out that we both feel that the ripples from their decisions so many years ago effected our decisions/choices well into adulthood.

Not sure if this is something you wanted to hear…my apologies for (perhaps) over-sharing. Regardless, thoughts and prayers for you and your family.

 

[hawkifann]

A sensitive subject I know. Wife and I have been in a tailspin for probably the last couple of years. Been together 10 altogether. Wife is a good person, but drinks too much with work friends (1 DUI) and just seems to have gone off the deep end since her mom died. Don’t think she’s ever been unfaithful, but she’s also way too nice to guys she shouldn’t be. She claims to have accepted a job that will lead to a very long commute 5 days a week and some travel. She knew I had some concerns about this, but just thought I was being jealous because she’d now make more than me (nice promotion). If true - I’m very upset she took the job without us coming to an agreement.

long story short - I’m at the end of my rope. I have a 4 year old and a 9 year old, so I don’t want this at all.

Any advice from guys who have been through tough patches or a divorce?

Deep sigh before starting. This is all hard. I don’t think I can give real advice, but I’ve been married for 22 years and have 3 kids 10-17 and my marriage hasn’t been all sunshine and rainbows. There was at least one point when I was really close to bailing and I can’t imagine how many times she’s wanted to kick me to the curb.

If you’re in an untenable situation, then do what you have to do. I’m not going to judge that….but I cannot imagine not seeing my kids every day and, ultimately, my wife is still the person I fell hard for and still love deeply, even when there are moments when I think I don’t. I think the best advice I can give is from a couple of my friends who have had largely “graceful“ divorces - be honest and open and try your best to work things out and, if at all possible, part as friends. With kids, you will forever be co-parents.

Best of luck and I hope you find happiness.

 

[BiochemPSU]

Lots of unknowns here. But hearing things have been bad for years, criminal issues with alcohol, failing to deal with grief and loss like an adult, and questionable motives for purposefully taking herself outside the home for extended periods of time means there is a lot going against you. I am sure there is more, but unless there is something overwhelmingly positive keeping you together, it appears the road ahead is going to be bumpy.

Consult with an attorney by yourself and a counselor with your spouse. Perhaps the price tag of divorce and the idea of a possible decade plus of fighting and scheduling over the kids will convince everyone to work things out as best they can. Perhaps the price is right and you are ready to move on from this phase in life and show your kids that life’s hard times need to be handled with grace and poise.

In these situations Most women rely on the advice of their closest females: sisters, friends, or coworkers. Just assume that One of them knows someone who got screwed by their ex husband in a divorce. They will tell her to fight. Women empowerment and all that jazz. If you are forced down that road, try to get an early settlement with her and her lawyer. Hope for the best but expect the worst if you allow some random judge to decide what happens to you, your money, and your kids. I see a few success stories on here regarding fathers and the court, but those are not the norm and usually the first major battles of the war are lost.

I can’t comment on kids and divorce. I have seen it go both ways; good for some, bad for others. Same can be said for kids who come from non divorced homes. Do the best you can, but you deserve stability and contentment. You can’t give your kids what you don’t have. Good luck.

 

[McCloudersportLion]

And if a pineapple dropped on ya head on the moon,
Just hit the floydmoonbongo and catch the Hawaiian Pizza Flu

 

[CVLion]

So sorry you’re going through this.

I was married for 18 years, now been divorced for 8. I was both lucky and unlucky in how my divorce played out. The unlucky part was that I found out her trip to the other side of the world had been to have an affair, and that she had run up huge credit card debts I wasn’t aware of but shared legal responsibility for. The lucky part was that she felt so embarrassed and guilty, that she put up zero fight on anything — we didn’t even use attorneys, and agreed on 50/50 custody of our son with no alimony or child support. I was able to keep the house and most of the furnishings — in turn, I also took on most of the debt, which sucked but I was glad at least that there wasn’t a huge battle.

It sounds like you’ve had your share of “unlucky” already, so if you go forward with a divorce, I wish you the same “lucky” aspects that I was so fortunate to come away with. I feel that level of amicable divorce is probably pretty rare, but I’m sending good vibes your way that it goes well for you.

I think there’s a lot of good advice in the thread above. The most important bit of course is to do everything in your power to protect your kids throughout the process. It will suck for them no matter what, but hopefully your wife will also have their best interest in her heart, and together you can ease their pain as much as possible and co-parent smoothly afterward.

Wishing you all the best.

 

[Nitt1300]

staying in a bad marriage helps no one- including the children

 

[Pardlion]

A sensitive subject I know. Wife and I have been in a tailspin for probably the last couple of years. Been together 10 altogether. Wife is a good person, but drinks too much with work friends (1 DUI) and just seems to have gone off the deep end since her mom died. Don’t think she’s ever been unfaithful, but she’s also way too nice to guys she shouldn’t be. She claims to have accepted a job that will lead to a very long commute 5 days a week and some travel. She knew I had some concerns about this, but just thought I was being jealous because she’d now make more than me (nice promotion). If true - I’m very upset she took the job without us coming to an agreement.

long story short - I’m at the end of my rope. I have a 4 year old and a 9 year old, so I don’t want this at all.

Any advice from guys who have been through tough patches or a divorce?

Arm yourself with information. Check her phone bills and app usage. See what she’s telling her friends—someone is her cheerleader. Put a VAR in the car. Don’t tell her you are doing any of this.

Consult a lawyer now but let her get her raise and start traveling away before you file—gives you a better custody and financial outcome.

Play for keeps. No matter what you think now, she will try to screw you in the end. Be aware of the potential for a false domestic violence accusation.

 

[ga.lion]

A sensitive subject I know. Wife and I have been in a tailspin for probably the last couple of years. Been together 10 altogether. Wife is a good person, but drinks too much with work friends (1 DUI) and just seems to have gone off the deep end since her mom died. Don’t think she’s ever been unfaithful, but she’s also way too nice to guys she shouldn’t be. She claims to have accepted a job that will lead to a very long commute 5 days a week and some travel. She knew I had some concerns about this, but just thought I was being jealous because she’d now make more than me (nice promotion). If true - I’m very upset she took the job without us coming to an agreement.

long story short - I’m at the end of my rope. I have a 4 year old and a 9 year old, so I don’t want this at all.

Any advice from guys who have been through tough patches or a divorce?

Get some counseling to try and reset for the benefit of your young kids. If and when divorce is the only path get the best lawyer in the area. But sonetimes your religious leader can help with hurdles in a marriage. Good luck and be open to resolution.

 

[DrJC]

A sensitive subject I know. Wife and I have been in a tailspin for probably the last couple of years. Been together 10 altogether. Wife is a good person, but drinks too much with work friends (1 DUI) and just seems to have gone off the deep end since her mom died. Don’t think she’s ever been unfaithful, but she’s also way too nice to guys she shouldn’t be. She claims to have accepted a job that will lead to a very long commute 5 days a week and some travel. She knew I had some concerns about this, but just thought I was being jealous because she’d now make more than me (nice promotion). If true - I’m very upset she took the job without us coming to an agreement.

long story short - I’m at the end of my rope. I have a 4 year old and a 9 year old, so I don’t want this at all.

Any advice from guys who have been through tough patches or a divorce?

As I think some on this board know, I am a "shrink." As such I have worked for years with couples going through. various levels of discord and angst. Because of the age of the children, before you move towards divorce, please consider finding the best marital therapist you can and see that person at least weekly to try to work out the difficulties that exist in the marriage. By going in this direction, the marriage may be salvageable. If it demonstrates that separation is best, at least you know you gave it the best try possible. MAKE SURE THAT THE THERAPIST IS TRAINED IN MARITAL THERAPY. Some will claim they are - but are not. It is a specialty. For marital therapy, stay away from psychiatrists - find a qualified psychologist or clinical social worker. If you do engage a therapist, if it does not feel right after three sessions, find another therapist. Friends are notoriously bad counselors - well intended, but untrained.

 

[Air Force 1]

My advice as someone who’s been married 33 years if you want to stay together fight for it. Every marriage has tough patches or seasons. I’ve been through a few. Our boys saw the rough times but also saw how we fought through it to stay tougher with counseling and spiritual guidance. Now they both have strong marriages. Have you thought about moving so you both have a commute that are close to equal? You would both be home more and able to have family dinners and quality time together. My advice once again is to fight for it go on dates have quality time together just the two of you.

 

[Obliviax]

I consider myself successfully divorced. But that first few months was really tough.

• First, you have to be honest with yourself and ask what is YOUR role in the problem. Did you contribute to the marriage's demise? What changed in your relationship? Why is your wife drinking and not wanting to be home? I am sure a lot of it is on her...but dude, its on you too. You chose the wrong girl, you let it get out of hand, and/or you are the problem. This may not save your marriage but an accurate understanding of your role will help it to not happen again.
• Kids are tough....really tough. And that age is the worst. Can it be that the kids are sucking the life out of your marriage? Is there resentment or anger about where you are as a family but nobody will come to grips with the FACT that kids suck the life out of you? It gets better but kids divorce a lot of parents because people can't recognize their challenge is with the rigors of child-raising, not the couple.
• Do you want a divorce? Is it over? Can it be saved? Do you want it to be saved? These are all the most important questions. If you are not honest with yourself, they'll haunt you forever.
• If you feel you can save the marriage, sit your wife down and have an honest and open discussion. Tell her how you feel and that you feel like SHE wants to divorce. Talk about what has changed to get you to this position and what needs to change, for both of you, to save it. Brutal honesty about yourself is imperative here. Gals like it when you cry, BTW. Counseling isn't a bad thing. Sometimes, the couple needs to make room for their relationship when surrounded by young kids. A vacation, a weekly date night, a joint diet/workout regimen...whatever it takes to rekindle the fire.
• If you don't want it to work, or she doesn't want it to work, the paragraph above works. Again, be honest. Emphasize that the kids come first, get her agreement. Once divorced, assuming she gets parental custody (in ohio, divorce is never 50/50. One side gets parental custody which means they have ultimate responsibility. If they want to up and move to Mexico, they can.) She may choose to move closer to her "long commute" work and your visitation is a real problem. I lived a 50 minute drive from my kids so I'd have them in the middle of the week and we'd get up at 5:30am to make their 7:30am school day. This limited their ability to participate in many activities. For example, my now daughter is at 6am weigh lifting for her swim team. No way she could take a 50 minute drive with a 6am start. Either she couldn't participate or weeknights with Dad would be over. Regardless, you must both AGREE THAT THE KIDS COME FIRST and that will help you as you navigate the divorce and post divorce.
• The idea is to do this divorce together and not separate. Lawyers make money by conflict because they charge by the hour. Sometimes losing a small point is preferable to a lifetime of acrimony with your ex. In my divorce, we settled on everything including a large 401k be designated for the kids college education. Right at the end, her lawyer says that they want me to put money aside from each paycheck to college. when I pointed out that the 401k was going to be more than enough, she suggested I didn't care about my kids. I came unglued and she (ex's lawyer) thought I was physically threatening her. fortunately, my soon to be ex realized it and called her lawyer off. Get advice from a lawyer so you know your legal stance. Then try to have a discussion with her and try to divorce amicably for the kids. Then get the lawyers back involved to guide the separation and file it. Make sure the lawyers know you want this to go smoothly.
• Finally, I made the mistake of trying to be my ex's best friend. We had detailed guidelines for the kids like "every other weekend". We started to swap around when one was busy or had a commitment. Soon we were at each other's throats because a did b a favor and when b asked a, they weren't available. We were better off sticking to the rules, managing around them, or don't do the activity.
• When I got divorced, I moved to the city and got a high rise apartment. I've never lived like that but found it to be fun and enlightening. I wasn't trying to pretend nothing changed. It was good for me. It was tough missing much of my kid's youth. Later, I missed things like prom night and other important milestone activities. Kids events, where we both attended, were uncomfortable (soccer games, school plays, xmas parties, etc.). But I found a woman that I am so in love with I can't even believe it happened to me. She married and is very happy as well. Our two The kids are doing great. Golfed with my younger one last weekend and my other one just bought a new Subaru WRX and I had to reteach him how to drive with a stick.

Good luck my brother. Let me know if I can help in any way.

 

[Ward Hog]

If you want to try and fix it for the kids and both of you, talk, go to counseling and do whatever you can to fix it. It doesn't sound like you are in can't coexist state.

Posters are right divorce hurts kids, but so does bad marriage. If together you decide that divorce is the only option see if you can work out an amicable agreement. There are neutral mediators who do this type of thing and many states allow such agreements. This will only work if you both agree and aren't out for blood but can make it easier on everyone.

However, don't be stupid and get used. Do watch accounts etc. My take is that once either side hires an attorney, peaceful just left the room. Divorce attorneys get what they can, it's what they do. If she hires an attorney, get the best one you can without delay. Typically, custody and alimony favor the wife, but you appear to make less and are home more for the kids. Who knows.

Good luck. I hope things work out for the best.

 

[demlion]

Whatever happens, make sure the kids know this isn’t their fault. Parents often argue over issues with raising kids so kids think any divorce is their fault. Any discussion about the kids should happen when they are not home. And in bed does not count as kids have great hearing.

And it is common for one spouse to turn the kids against the other. Don’t do it and if she does get professional help....lawyer, counselors, whatever it takes to protect the kids.

Not a child development expert, but kids have a tendency to think everything's about them, including whatever disagreements short of divorce they see or perceive. It is something I wish I had understood better, and my kids were HS/COLLEGE age.

To the extent you don't get a divorce, but one of you has a drinking problem, they will think that's their fault, too. If there is a way to get your wife to cut it back, that needs to happen whether you divorce or not, but ESPECIALLY if she is going to face a whole bunch of change alone. Drinking is a way to make the day go away. If you are divorced and she has custody, the kids will be raising themselves.

 

[AWS1022]

I’ve been with my wife for 37 years….we’ve had a ton of rough patches. I thought about leaving many times over the years, but couldn’t leave my kids. I always said I would donate my heart if one of my kids needed it, so I would certainly donate some of my happiness. I never wanted to see my kids on a part time basis and I certainly didn’t want to see some other guy end up in their lives. After they left for college, my wife and I figured out that we kind of like each other again now that the pressures of raising children are gone and we’re financially comfortable. We still have rough patches, but we get through them.

 

[LionJim]

I’ve been with my wife for 37 years….we’ve had a ton of rough patches. I thought about leaving many times over the years, but couldn’t leave my kids. I always said I would donate my heart if one of my kids needed it, so I would certainly donate some of my happiness. I never wanted to see my kids on a part time basis and I certainly didn’t want to see some other guy end up in their lives. After they left for college, my wife and I figured out that we kind of like each other again now that the pressures of raising children are gone and we’re financially comfortable. We still have rough patches, but we get through them.

This is worth its own, separate, thread.

 

[republion]

I’ve never been thru this, but I think a good old fashion “come to Jesus” session needs to happen between you two. You both need to get away for a night or so and lay it all on the table. If you both can be 100% completely open and honest with each other in a civil manner, I think you’ll find most of the answers that you are looking for. Good luck.

 

[Rhino80]

It's cheaper to keep her!!!

 

[BeaverLion]

A sensitive subject I know. Wife and I have been in a tailspin for probably the last couple of years. Been together 10 altogether. Wife is a good person, but drinks too much with work friends (1 DUI) and just seems to have gone off the deep end since her mom died. Don’t think she’s ever been unfaithful, but she’s also way too nice to guys she shouldn’t be. She claims to have accepted a job that will lead to a very long commute 5 days a week and some travel. She knew I had some concerns about this, but just thought I was being jealous because she’d now make more than me (nice promotion). If true - I’m very upset she took the job without us coming to an agreement.

long story short - I’m at the end of my rope. I have a 4 year old and a 9 year old, so I don’t want this at all.

Any advice from guys who have been through tough patches or a divorce?

I have never been divorced and Thankfully outside a few arguments never had a real rough patch with my wife. That said, I am sorry you are going through this. I will say when I read your post my firth thought was your marriage can be saved. It seems like IMO your wife is still grieving over the lost of her mother. Losing a parent or loved one can be devastating at any time in life.

 

[Fac]

Ask her what she wants, keep the marriage or not. Doesn't matter if you want the marriage if she doesn't.
Good luck. I do agree as stated above marriage is easier when the kids are grown.

 

[Obliviax]

I’ve been with my wife for 37 years….we’ve had a ton of rough patches. I thought about leaving many times over the years, but couldn’t leave my kids. I always said I would donate my heart if one of my kids needed it, so I would certainly donate some of my happiness. I never wanted to see my kids on a part time basis and I certainly didn’t want to see some other guy end up in their lives. After they left for college, my wife and I figured out that we kind of like each other again now that the pressures of raising children are gone and we’re financially comfortable. We still have rough patches, but we get through them.

Great post...in the end, the difference between successful marriages and ones that end is that Both people involved in maintaining a successful marriage will accept nothing less than that. Divorce is not an option. You both figure out a way to make it work.

 

[stater02]

I’m going through one now. No kids. Amicable thus far, but not yet ruling out lawyers.

My situation is vastly different from yours, but I echo some of the other comments:

- First, just come right to terms with the fact that you’re going to lose half of your assets. I was by far the primary earner in our relationship, so this one hurt.
- Retain a lawyer and have them guide you behind the scenes. You have a lot at stake here, esp kids.
- Document every conversation you have with her. I bought a small digital recorder to keep in my pocket at all times.
- Document current cash assets and monitor those accounts closely. Better yet, if she moves out, agree to separate your credit cards and liquid cash so you have control over your share.
- Do not leave your primary home.
- Do not use the children as a weapon. Even if she does. Be kind and caring with them. In the long run, they’ll remember that.
- Do not quit your job.

The fact that she has a DWI on her record works in your favor regarding the kids. Not sure how nasty you want to be, but the right lawyer could really spin that in your favor, painting her as an unfit mother. Add in the job that is taking her away from the home and she could easily be the one paying you child support, and seeing them only every other weekend while you had primary care responsibilities.

Finally, there will be times you waver and doubt if you’re in the right course. Once you make your decision to move forward (or not), find a confidant who can help your stay the course in those moments of weakness. Do not let her see you waver.

Good luck to you. Personally, I find it highly ridiculous that all it takes to enter marriage is a signature on a piece of paper. But ending a marriage is one of the most complicated and expensive legal processes that exists. The laws are Draconian and highly skewed against men. They do not fit with modern times, dual incomes, etc.

As for me, I’ll only ever partner from here on out. If they insist on marriage, I’m going the prenup route.

 

[ThePennsyOracle]

While I have no experience with divorce, I did grow up in a turbulent household affected by a type of addiction and abuse from both parents.

I will put it this way: Never "stay together for the kids." Do everything you can to make it work with your wife, but if you feel there is no hope, my suggestion would be to end the marriage and focus on establishing a functional co-parenting relationship.

I have no idea why or how my parents stayed together, but it was miserable watching their interactions. Kids' first experience with relationships is watching their parents. When parents are fighting (physically and/or verbally) growing up, it is very hard to let that model of a relationship go. I had no idea what a healthy relationship or give and take was like, and it took me a while in my own marriage to understand that.

 

[The Central Scrutinizer]

Speaking as someone who's parents divorced when I was 11, do everything you can to NOT get divorced. I know from experience that your children will NEVER be the same again after a divorce and there is a very good chance they will end up in therapy for a long time. I'm 53 years old and my parents divorce and the consequences of it still bother me to this day.

 

[NedFromYork]

This is probably going to be a little different than conventional thought, but consider yourself the source for how all others are behaving in life. What is in you, what energy are you radiating, that would cause your wife to drink too much, be too nice to other men, take a job with a long commute? Change yourself first, your wife will follow. It only takes one to change a relationship, mirror effect. Be to her the way you want her to be to you, she will eventually mirror back to you. Be a rock, do not judge, accept everything calm and secure as emotional safety is her #1 need, followed by financial safety. Then work on attracting her all over again.

Some good books: The Way of the Superior Man (Dieda), The Law of Attraction (Byrne). Larry Bilotta can probably help you to work to have your wife mirror back to you what you would like.

 

[stater02]

This is probably going to be a little different than conventional thought, but consider yourself the source for how all others are behaving in life. What is in you, what energy are you radiating, that would cause your wife to drink too much, be too nice to other men, take a job with a long commute? Change yourself first, your wife will follow. It only takes one to change a relationship, mirror effect. Be to her the way you want her to be to you, she will eventually mirror back to you. Be a rock, do not judge, accept everything calm and secure as emotional safety is her #1 need, followed by financial safety. Then work on attracting her all over again.

Some good books: The Way of the Superior Man (Dieda), The Law of Attraction (Byrne). Larry Bilotta can probably help you to work to have your wife mirror back to you what you would like.

This is honestly really great sage advice. Hard to execute when one is already so far down the path, and maybe not applicable to every situation. But really good advice to apply to our marriages and our everyday lives. Thanks for sharing.

 

[LaJollaLion]

Best of luck fkkkjm. Never an easy choice there and even more so when kids are involved, but you just have to focus on them and make it as less toxic as you possibly can. My sister and BIL were awful together as she shouldered all of the financial load, saved for daughters college, paid for travel soccer, while he did literally nothing for a decade. 9k is what he reported in over a decade and there was now stay at home arrangement. She had to give up half her retirement, split the house when the sell, and pay alimony for 7 years. He was acting like this was generous since he could have gone after 17 years...one for each year. He literally will make out with 750k or so....for being a lazy POS.

The divorce laws in many states are antiquated and his lawyers treated him like he was a 50's stay at home wife.....yet after all of that they are in the same house co-parenting as she is a senior and their just enjoying her last year. It's the oddest thing I have seen, but now that he has to pay half of the bills (even though it's her alimony check), she at least feels he is contributing and they are cordial. They go to her games together and can tolerate each other much more after the divorce. There will always be some resentment as it's human nature, but they both did a better job late in putting their daughter number 1 and sucking it up for her.

 

[The Spin Meister]

Not a child development expert, but kids have a tendency to think everything's about them, including whatever disagreements short of divorce they see or perceive. It is something I wish I had understood better, and my kids were HS/COLLEGE age.

To the extent you don't get a divorce, but one of you has a drinking problem, they will think that's their fault, too. If there is a way to get your wife to cut it back, that needs to happen whether you divorce or not, but ESPECIALLY if she is going to face a whole bunch of change alone. Drinking is a way to make the day go away. If you are divorced and she has custody, the kids will be raising themselves.

Same here, no expert. But parents often argue over child rearing. How much discipline. How to discipline. Who’s job is it to *any activity*. Who’s turn is it. And children hear this for years so when a divorce hits they assume they caused it with all the arguments. Even if it was real arguments but just trying to figure out plans.

And then divorce amplifies all that as the arguments shift to child custody, financial support, new boyfriend/girlfriend issues. Kids get hammered pretty hard.

They need to know there were other, more severe problems. That both parents love them and will be there for them. Of course sometimes one parent will bail out altogether. That is a new massive issue then.

 

[Ski]

This is probably going to be a little different than conventional thought, but consider yourself the source for how all others are behaving in life. What is in you, what energy are you radiating, that would cause your wife to drink too much, be too nice to other men, take a job with a long commute? Change yourself first, your wife will follow. It only takes one to change a relationship, mirror effect. Be to her the way you want her to be to you, she will eventually mirror back to you. Be a rock, do not judge, accept everything calm and secure as emotional safety is her #1 need, followed by financial safety. Then work on attracting her all over again.

Some good books: The Way of the Superior Man (Dieda), The Law of Attraction (Byrne). Larry Bilotta can probably help you to work to have your wife mirror back to you what you would like.

I lived with an alcoholic for many years and they will use any excuse possible to justify their drinking. They would jump at the opportunity to make it your fault. Alcoholics drink. It is what they do. No one else makes them do it and if they say someone else does then they are full of sh!t.