Wow, cool stuff about your Mom.
So I wanted to say a word or two about faith since you mentioned it...not to talk you out of your pain or make it seem comprehensible or justifiable. I wouldn't insult you by attempting such a thing.
To me, the mystery of faith...and suffering...lies iin the cross. God sent his Son with a message for the World, but the World didn't want to hear it. So he was tortured to death in front of a jeering mob and was spared nothing, even in his last moments the ultimate human temptation to despair: My God, my God, why have you forsaken me?
At one time or another in life, maybe a number of times, many of us have asked some version of that question: Why, God? Where are you? How could you let this happen?
I first asked it as a 17-year old kid when my comfortable world was suddenly blown apart on the day a grim-faced doc delivered the news that my Dad...age 41, a picture of health, former Marine officer, star athlete, rock-solid head of our family, a man I idolized...would be dead in six months.
I asked it again on the morning he died after months of suffering, having been reduced to an almost unrecognizable shell of a human being as his traumatized wife and children watched helplessly, when I walked into the bedroom where my two young sisters, ages 9 and 11, had hidden themselves in a household of paralyzed grief and found them curled up on the floor with the 11-year old sobbing out the same words over and over: It isn't fair...It isn't fair.
Nothing would ever be the same again for any of us. For me, it wasn't just my Dad who died that morning. It was a comfortable way of looking at life where everything fit neatly into its place and horrible things only happened to other people.
In that situation, a person can find themselves being propelled into the "fog" that you mentioned in a different post above...where they go through the motions but have lost the capacity to feel anything. It's a psychological defense mechanism. The problem is that when you numb yourself to the pain, you numb yourself to every other emotion.
What I came to believe then and still do 53 years, 6 kids, and 31 grandkids later is that faith is a function of will. Intellect and reason are necessary but can only take you so far. Emotions are illusory and changeable. The reality of God and the universe cannot be comprehended by the human mind. But the human spirit and the will to faith endure when all else fails.
I've seen tragedy, trauma, and suffering in my life and my family. So has my wife in her life and her family. However, I've also seen miracles...wonderful things that should never have happened but somehow did...failure and weakness that should have ended in disaster but somehow didn't...things that I find hard to explain in any way other than as the work of God's grace.
Every single week I write a letter to my daughter at the monastery. And every single letter ends with the same three words: Keep the faith. Because at the end of the day, it all boils down to a choice between hope or despair. I think hope is better and healthier. And the foundation of hope is...faith.
Jerry-
THANK YOU for your response and willingness to share your experiences. My paternal grandfather died when my dad was 13- so I have some idea of how challenging that loss can be at that age. Condolences.
I definitely understand and agree that I'm not the only afflicted person- and I've done my best not to dwell too much on the loss of half of my heart- however it has been a challenge to everything that I hold dear.
Although my mom is incredibly religious- I'd describe myself as more "spiritual." Maybe it was being an altar boy- when our alcoholic priest told us just to put the wine in the chalis and skip the water. 9 year old me felt like a fraud ringing the bell when I knew that it wasn't the full recipe. Almost immediately my Faith was in question.
Or maybe it was when a number of priests from my high school- including the Principal- ended up getting charged with crimes that ultimately were settled out of court. As an adult I worked for an organization who brought in a high priced PR Spin Doctor who you only used if you REALLY NEEDED it. THAT is who my high school used- almost equals an admission of guilt.
So my mom and I have talked about how organizations can be corrupt because humans are imperfect and their sins may impact the perceptions of the whole- while tarnishing all of the good that there is. In today's world where people try and paint individuals with labels based on political party, or nationality, or religion, or even favorite sports team or alma mater (2012 flashbacks for us) it is easy to lose sight of the tree within the forest.
Additionally, the politicization of "Christianity" has further distanced me from organized religion. Basically I only go with my mom at times for her wishes or to weddings/funerals - as I will on Friday.
In my vocation as a teacher I get to experience all manners of suffering via my students. Just today I had the mother of a pupil die suddenly after being hospitalized over the weekend. I have taught 2 older brothers and had become acquainted with the now deceased woman. You just never know what the day will bring. Unfortunately those kids are in living hell right now and will be for the foreseeable future.
The best advice that we were given actually did come from our local Catholic priest- who in the immediate aftermath of our loss told us "to stay where your feet are" rather than go down the dark tunnels which beckoned. He was very right.
Over the past 6 years via my job I have been blessed with dozens of faux "daughters." Our school has a substantial immigrant population and many call me their "American Dad." I even did a special "Daddy-Daughter" dance at a wedding for one of my Mexican immigrant students. She and her sisters are like family for me and my wife. We have been to all of the religious ceremonies/parties etc. I even dressed as Santa for their kids last year. And now that their real father has passed, we have each other to fill the void. There is joy and comfort-although not necessarily the way we want it.
I've determined that the best way for me to attain heaven- if there is such a place- is by helping as many people as I can. I visit arrested pupils in juvy and prison and never give up on them. Single mothers, chemically addicted kids amongst others reach out looking for help with jobs or connections to social services. I am very reachable at any time for any former student who may need me in their post-high school life, and many do indeed find me. Often it is those whom I didn't necessarily get along with during their teen years- but as they mature there is newfound appreciation.
Whenever I'm having a bad day in my own suffering or need a pick me up- inevitably someone comes through my door or into my email Inbox who needs something that is overwhelming them- and I typically can assist in some manner. Not everything is a solvable problem- but I try. My reputation is well known- and I have little doubt that my daughter is proud of me- as she was a student in the same school and often heard others talk about me in (mostly) positive ways. I've long since given up trying to please everybody....that is just not possible.
The idea of "Faith" is indeed something I've struggled with- but more in the macro perspective than the micro. I do believe there is a power and energy to the universe that can be used to build up humanity. I also believe that there is an opposite energy too. In today's world the latter seems to be more on display than the former- but many practitioners believe that they are "the elect" from Bible speak- and that other belief systems are somehow subjugated. How is it possible TO KNOW? I especially dislike the use of religious rhetoric as it pertains to government- but there is an abundance of that in today's world from The Middle East to our own Country and even Commonwealth.
I've already lost 5 pounds of beer belly and my blood pressure is improving to levels less severe. I WANT to live to see grandchildren and play out the string with my bride. I love the community I reside in and the people who call it home too- both citizens and undocumented immigrant people looking for a better life than the miserable circumstances that lead them to here. All I can do is do the best I can for those in my orbit. I'm choosing to see each individual person as just that- which is the way I believe we all will ultimately be judged. There is indeed much to celebrate in every day. Little victories can become big ones. You have to start somewhere....
I believe that our country and our world are in an existential crisis. Is there a "Master Plan" that would allow us to devolve as we are? " Free will" is the answer my mom uses for our current state. No one side has the monopoly on goodness. I suspect that in the coming weeks and months all of us will be "put to the test" in ways not expected and I hope we pass. If I'm China- the holiday season would seem to be a pretty good time to hit Taiwan- our government will be in tatters regardless of whom is declared the victor- the Middle East will still be raging and Russia is playing cheshire cat waiting to pounce in the chaos once our "fronts" have been multiplied. We shall see....
Where it all leads, nobody really knows, but if there is indeed a "heaven," and I want to believe there is, then I hope to EARN a ticket and expect that my daughter will already be there : ) If not- I already have my name on my tombstone next to hers- so I know where I'll lie....
Thanks again for your thoughtful reply, caring, sharing and prayers from your daughter and her friends.
I promise to do my best to keep the Faith.
